Been reading TRP for the past couple of months and even though I've been attempting to internalize the stuff I knew deep down, it's been rough.

Been going to the gym, working on my idgaf attitude and generally being as stoic as I can be and it's been amazing for getting me into shape and lifting my depression. I get more stuff done and that's that.

But the more I progress, the angrier and sadder I get. Ex contacted me a couple of days ago wanting to "talk" and I entertained it for a little bit before I told her to go away. Huge ontetis with her out of all my other exes because she's BPD, have the best sex with her, and it kick-starts my "save a hoe" gear into overdrive because she always has a problem that needs fixing. But I care about her far more than she does me and because of that I told her to kick rocks. She'll be back.

Tonight, went out with a friend of mine, just low-key hanging out and took Uber home. 2 girls when I came in, and 2 more girls replaced them afterward. Easy convo with both, and second pair were much more flirtier than first pair. One of the girls from the second pair kept touching me even though I was in shotgun and generally just showing massive iOi's. Was going to ask her ## but she was with her equally flirty and horny mom and I have no idea how to navigate those waters. But that's besides the point, anywhere I go i know there will always be girls interested.

The problem is that more than anything, I want someone to love me and give a fuck about me and I was always led to believe that women were the key to that. (Childhood of neglect) Turns out, no actually that's not the case and therein lies the problem.

The one thing women can't give me is the one thing I want and need from a women. Fuck sex, compainship, or general beauty, those are abundant already. But love.....genuine actual love. I don't believe in anything, so I figured the closest actual "meaning to life" was caring about someone deeply. Otherwise wtf is really the point to doing anything? I digress however.

So exactly how do I began to love myself and never need "love" from anyone but myself?

I don't take anything seriously in life because everything is straight up bs but caring about someone and loving them was what I kept hoping would be the end goal of my life but that is looking like a pipe dream. I always knew it internally but trp made me face that head-on.

Really, wtf is the point of doing anything then. I don't want kids, nor do I care about anything else and I don't want to get attached to a girl because she's cool to hangout with when I know all I want from her is to call me daddy, cook me a meal and say she loves me.

Tldr: I think these are stupid tbh. No harm no foul if you don't read.

Edit: What's most hilarious and incredibly sad about all of this is that I have a lot of younger brothers and they all look to me to tell them how to live their life. Like sure, take my hand and I'll show you how fake and devoid of meaning this world is. Come with me. Jesus.