This is a very very long ramble, but something I suppose I wanted to get off my chest. *TW for talk of abuse.

First of all, let me begin with a simple thank you to all the ladies here. Each and every one of you. You are all strong and beautiful in your own ways. Without your strength to speak up and promote FDS, many of us would be lost in the world of dating, allowing men to look down upon us.

I have never had a good self image or idea of relationships. My biological parents were completely dysfunctional and all of my male relatives very absent from me.

At a young age I had horrible self esteem and a desire for validation. As a teenage girl, I thought to myself- what better way to get "love" than from men? I wanted to feel wanted, and in turn, sought out horrible 'relationships' that failed miserably and left me in pain.

Men treated me literally as an object for them to use and tear down. Calling me fat, ugly, stupid, bad at xyz, every name in the book. Blatantly woman-hating. It wasn't just one man, it was every single one I was with for several years. None of them were HV, and it's because I sought out that sort of man on purpose.

I hated myself enough that I dated people who also hated me and did not have the ability to respect me. I didn't believe I had worth, so I stuck in my comfort zone of being with people who believed the same thing. I was full of internal misogyny, therefore I dated misogynists, thinking they would like me since I hated myself for being a woman so much. I was a pick-me through and through.

They didn't love me or care for me. They never did, and they never would have been able to because LVM are too set in their ways. I was not "special" or "different" from other girls because I was spiteful of women and myself. Yet I believed this wholeheartedly and allowed myself to be mistreated.

I wound up dating a man and moving in with him as his girlfriend. We were engaged, but he didn't even bother to give me a ring, my parents did. He almost killed me more than once, treated me like garbage, kept me locked inside like a prisoner. I believed that it was the end for me, that I was trapped with him forever because I "loved" him. I "loved" him more than I loved myself.

I started browsing subreddits about narcissistic abuse, and soon after, found FDS and began reading everything here- perhaps obsessively because I was so intrigued. It struck home with me so much. A week of nonstop fighting with him ensued, and that's when I had an epiphany.

"Love" is not enough. It did not matter how much I cared for him and loved him, his mistreatment was unacceptable. I deserved better than that. After an explosive fight, I packed all of my belongings and left everything behind. I went to a hotel room and I cried. I cried not because he was gone, but because I was strong enough to know I deserved better. I finally realized my worth, and it overwhelmed me with so much emotion I sobbed for hours.

Once I moved back home, I avoided dating and men entirely, surrounded myself with females (who were strong figures of femininity) and joined female communities. I continued to browse FDS as I knew one day I would wind up in a relationship again. I focused on healing and understanding my importance and my true worth.

I began looking for a relationship again somewhat mindlessly- I wasn't desperate, I wasn't going to chase a man down and beg him to be with me. I just wanted a companion and hoped I would meet someone nice. I tried OLD and went on two dates with a man 6 years my senior (already icky, but he was cute, so I gave it a shot). After our few dates and where he thought maybe he had me in his clutches, he sent me pictures of other women saying they were hot, and asked me if I "liked" the abuse my ex put me through, all while I refused him sex and eventually cut him off out of disgust. I would have never done this if it were only a year ago- I would've chased him and ignored the red flags.

Multiple men have asked me out and showed immense interest in me. If I hadn't discovered FDS, I'd probably have been all over them. But no, I politely declined their advances, knowing they were all very LV based on their behaviors. I knew I deserved better. I know I need to take my time in finding love, not rush it, nor feel like I owe a man anything. Because women don't owe men a single penny, and I love myself now too much to put up with awful behaviors.

This new way of thinking has changed my life for the better. It saved my life, above all else. Without FDS I would not have had the epiphany that rescued me from my ex. I know now what I deserve and refuse disrespect from anyone, but especially refuse it from men.

I'm never going to stop being grateful to this sub. I spent so long simply lurking here and reading what others had to say, but I finally decided to post my own thoughts and experience. Thank you all for all you've done for us women in a world where men still reign "superior". Thank you.