Hey guys

I know this is typically not the kind of post one finds here on this subreddit, but I feel I relate to a lot of you guys, so here I am seeking your advice, and not r/askreddit

So here's the situation...

  1. I live with wife and son (3, soon 4). I'm 30, entrepreneur, relative successful, fiscally prudent. Live in a small one-bedroom apartment in big city.

  2. Brother (22) and mother also live with me now. Brother is single, also a virgin, I think. Mother is separated from father. Not officially divorced, though.

  3. Brother supposedly has pancreatic cancer but refuses to share any reports with me. He told us about 10 months ago.

  4. Mother is BPD. And very narcissistic. Has anger issues. Plays the victim card 24/7. Example: Constantly complains she has nothing to eat. Reality: We eat keto, very expensive, but always over-stocked pantry and kitchen. She likes pizza and other crap, which we don’t cook or even bring in. She won’t spend her money to buy her own food, because she’s now not making money being that she’s in our city, and her own job won’t pay. She also blames me (and brother) for having destroyed her life’s savings. She’s planning to take retirement next year. She won’t stop bothering brother about petty money issues. Not helping with the supposed cancer at all.

  5. Trying to have a real discussion with her is impossible. Crying is of course a normal way of communication. But she’s beaten her chest loudly in the past, and laid down/prostrated on the ground. Even in public. Making huge amounts of noise is also something we fear.

  6. Brother likes playing the victim card as well, as I’m realizing now. Insists that my wife massage his feet every night so he can sleep. He’ll keep her up, sometimes till 2 am or even 4 am, because he’s got tons of issues he needs help with. He needs to discuss those issues. Me and wife don’t see each other several nights in a row. My son needs care at night, but has now learned to sleep on his own.

  7. Wife has become the primary caregiver to my brother. Mother has relinquished any pretense of being here to take care of him, which is why she came here in the first place.

  8. Brother has also demonstrated uncontrollable behavior at several occasions. Admits to have been a drug mule in the past, though he swears he’s never used. I don’t know what to believe, but I’m not able to buy anything he says, nor take anything he says seriously. He’s also admitted to being suicidal. I don’t know if I believe this, but I do fear it. Trying to pick up a hot burning oven with his bare hands has been one of his most recent accomplishments.

  9. Brother now insists my wife let him put his head on her lap at night. She feels really uncomfortable with this. Few weeks ago he got upset when she told him turn the other way so she could change. (Bedroom door doesn’t lock because king bed in tiny apartment). She’s feeling a great deal of rage here. In her more gentle moments, she tells me she thinks of him as a son.

  10. Brother plays the cancer card to get out of any uncomfortable discussion. He claims he’s going to die soon, and that “you really don’t need to worry about me so leave me alone.” He’s having this discussion with my wife right now. He’s upset that she had a discussion with me in the past hour relating her problems and discomfort to me. He insists he should be able to touch her as he pleases, which is clearly unreasonable.

  11. Really want to help brother. Happy to pay for everything that he or mother needs. But I have no idea what’s going on. I feel blackmailed. I can’t see any test reports. He won’t show me. When I tried to exert power, he ran away for a day and told me he’d never let me find his dead body, and that he’d jump into the ocean. Got really upset there.

  12. He has shown me a couple of reports in the past, but one of them was clearly photoshopped. The other one I couldn’t tell, but basically I know as much about his medical condition as you do.

  13. I’m growing frustrated. Wife’s frustrated. We don’t know what else to do. I could kick him out, but part of me fears he’d end up dead within a few months. We somehow have managed to keep him off alcohol and sugars for the past 2-3 months. At least, we think. But we don’t know much more.

  14. He claimed to have taken oral chemo tablets today. But then later he confessed to wife that he hadn’t even though at the time he swore on my son’s and wife’s lives that he had. We don’t understand this at all. Why would anyone lie about these things?

  15. Mother’s sound asleep. She sleeps at night, leaves at dawn to go shopping or enjoying the city. I work 12+ hours a day, my kid suffers, my wife takes care of brother, and she’s more overworked than I am. Mother returns at night, has her dinner, then complains about how she never feels satiated with “your kind of food”. Then starts snoring at 11 sharp.

  16. Brother’s big threat is he’ll go back if he’s unwanted. We don’t want him to go back, but this is getting to be too much. Mother doesn’t want to go back. We really are fighting so hard to do whatever we can to help him.

  17. The only time my wife and I have sex is during the day when brother takes a stroll with the mother. Luckily, I can run home from office in 10 minutes, so that’s our only window. It’s been months since we’ve been intimate at night.

  18. I’ve offered to give him a small amount of money ($500 a month) on top of accommodation, clothes, food, transportation etc. But he feels disappointed as in I’m offering too little. But he does nothing to make money on his own.

  19. His big threat other than going away is that “I’ll give my life. I’m sorry but I have no capacity to change myself right now.”

  20. He does take painkillers. A lot. I feel really bad about this. He does seem to be in a lot of pain from time to time. I feel sad for him. He was born when I was almost 9, so I always treated him like a son rather than a brother. But I don’t even know if he’s getting better or worse.

  21. His stance is “I only care to live because you guys are trying so hard. But if you don’t care for me enough to let me live however I want and do whatever I want, then I don’t even wanna live.”

Somebody please help me. He obviously has self-confidence issues and self-esteem problems. Despite being high IQ and smart, he’s never achieved much. But at this point, I don’t know what I can do to help him anymore. He cries like a child. Bawling, weeping, waterworks.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. ANY AND ALL ADVICE is welcome and URGENTLY required, because I feel I might end up taking the wrong steps. I don’t see what the right way to deal with this is…

Thanks for everything...

UPDATE: So after wife had a brief conversation with brother about how sh'es uncomfortable and how they've got to have boundaries, he's talking to reservations and modifying his flight (presumably mother's too) to fly back to their home town.

UPDATE 2: My brother has gone missing now. He took when when I slept for an hour, and hasn't answered any phone calls yet. My mother is now bawling her eyes out and has just stepped outside to look for him. Where she'd go is anybody's guess. She insisted that I wasn't being very brotherly (definitely not in that many words) when I asked if we should call 911.