So I went out for a few drinks last night and got a little drunk. Met some new people, had some laughs and went home.

This morning I woke up with thhat sort of mild hangover depression I sometimes get and I'm just getting over it now.

But as I was laying in bed, some past memories came up that I'm now seeing in a different light and wanted to get others perspectives.

So 4 years ago, my stbxw got in a heated text battle with her sister. My stbxw said something to her sister that got her so upset that she texted me basically saying that your wife has a secret that she hasn't told you about. She didn't give me details and despite me trying to prod for more info, she told me to ask my stbxw. It of course turned out that she had cheated on me and had been keeping the secret for years.

Now to the part I'm stressing about is this: I had decided to sleep in the spare room as I was obviously very upset, and basically had gone into a sort of shut down. I was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I don't even remember what I was thinking. Presumably, I was questioning the last 4 years of my life with her and reexamining past situations and wondering how I never figured it out, how I was that naive and gullible as there were signs of something being off/wrong and it just didn't click in my head. So she comes into the room at like 3am, climbs on top of me and starts trying to hug me and kiss me, and I just weakly said stop, I don't want to, get off me. But I didn't have the willpower or energy to stop her. I was so frozen and out of it that I just lay there motionless. If I hadn't cried already for hours before til there were no tears left, I probably would have been crying more, but I was just numb. She started going down on me and as I wasnt even present in the moment, she struggled as I wasn't getting hard. But she didn't stop, she just kept going until she got it to a workable situation and then just got on top and rode me till she came. I didn't orgasm. I didn't say anything. I just lay there, she tried talking to me and all I could muster was, leave. So she did.

I guess the question is, did she rape me? I never saw it that way until just now and it makes me feel horrible. Why didn't I stop her and why didn't I ever realize that I was basically sexually assaulted?