Hey all. I created this post 7 months ago and I'm in a much better place now. I want to write this to give glory to God and to thank members of this community for their support whenever I create a post. In my post I listed the 3 areas I was struggling hopelessly in.

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Career: I went to a very good college, but much of my time there was spent overwhelmed and barely getting by. I graduated and took what I consider a modest job (70k as a QA analyst), the first place that offered me anything. I've been trying to career pivot by doing stuff on the side but I can't accomplish anything. Every time I try to start something I burn out and become depressed before I can create anything substantive. I've lost faith in my own intelligence and my ability to get things done. Worst of all, no matter how many resolutions I make I keep coming back to social media and fapping to cope.

I feel less like a failure in this area. The change in weather made it easier for me to engage in sports and other physical activities, which reminded me that I'm a whole person with a body and not just a head on a stick. I recently got a car and moved apartments, and every step of that journey, even just buying furniture, has been an encouragement to me that yes, I can accomplish things. I can finish things that I start. Finally, at my company, my coworkers have been gracious to assign work to me that I'm more interested in and I'm hoping to switch roles in the next few months.

Faith: I've been struggling with my faith for the past six years, and I feel like I've only drifted. I simply don't know if I believe anymore because of what I've read and learned, though I'm still emotionally very much attached. In some ways I've become apathetic. My roommate finally convinced me to spend some time looking through evidence of Christianity. In other ways I'm desperate. I continue praying every day, but I literally have no words left. I feel like there's nothing I can say that will somehow move God from his position of apathy in the face of my desperation. It's so, so draining. I rarely cry, but the last couple times I have has been because I feel like God has abandoned me.

There was a whole series of things that happened in the past few months that made me feel like God was drawing me near to him. I'm an extremely cynical person. Someone once told me that I'm the kind of person who wouldn't believe in a miracle even if it happened right in front of me. I'm also cynical of my own emotions - I struggle to see meaning in them because they seem contrived. But God spoke to me in a language I could understand. There were all these moments where something about God finally made sense, or I could see the world from a different perspective, or I had a great conversation, where they were very clearly not miracles, but they were also anything but contrived. My cynicism has melted. I prayed in public for the first time in months, and have been sharing what God has done in my life with my friends.

Appearance: I mention this one last because it's the worst. I've hated how I look for the past 10 years of my life. Insecurities have varied, but they mainly center around my severe overbite and receded jaw. I tried to convince myself I had body dysphoria and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but after seeing pictures of myself the past few months I realize that I am objectively, genetically, significantly flawed. Will girls ever like me? Sure. But I can't get over how abnormal I look. I've even come to the point of considering orthognathic surgery. Is this a sin? Is it a slap in the face to people who can't afford it? Is it a good example for my brothers? I wonder if I should talk to my dad, but I'm so so ashamed of this.

I met a girl who is just like me, who's struggled over the past few years with depression and resentment towards God but now is beginning to believe again and find joy in God. And honestly she's ministered to me; I've felt God's touch through hers. And I've been trying to use what I've learned here to be a better leader in the relationship. I don't know what to make of any of this, except that the grace God has shown me over the past few months has been incalculable, and I'm ready to enter the darkness again (whatever that may be) with what I know about him.