After 39 years of marriage, a year after me coming out as bisexual. She comes home to tell me she wants a divorce and me being me said of course, yes. Prior to this, we had gone to counseling, and she at that time was unable to commit to any emotional support that I need it, or even just stay today involvement in our marriage in terms of making decisions together, etc.

Prior to this, I see on her phone that was open, her ex boss texting her asking her for come visit him for coffee at their special coffee place and that he would find a booth that is nice and cosy so that they can talk like they usually did. He didn’t fire her, but he did give her a good recommendation letter. I questioned her about the text messages and the fact that she already had seen him three other times and brought him cookies because she was so thankful for his wonderful recommendation. I asked her why don’t you come to my place of work tomorrow, and will have coffee and she said no because I will have to go downtown and pay for parking, I should’ve seen into that anyways it has now been almost 3 1/2 years of separation, and we were granted a divorce in May of this year.

Because we have been together since the time I’ve worked for my employer for 30 years, she’s entitled to half of my pension. She will be getting a lump sum payout from the superintendent of the pension plan for $375,000 Canadian which she will have to place into a retirement portfolio until she retires. I am currently retired and I will get $2200 a month until I reach 65 next year in December, at which time I will only get $1500 a month. The law says that she is entitled to that 50% but somehow I really feel shafted because now with the way rent is in the cost of living I am probably going to have to come out of retirement, even though I suffer from extreme, chronic depression and anxiety. I’ve had numerous suicide ideation’s, and my family, that is my children. Have someone kept some contact with me, but for the most part have not seem to take any interest in what’s going on in my life. They don’t visit me, they don’t call, they rarely text me. And I believe I’ve only had a few visits from them since the separation and divorce but they state that they’re very busy with their families. In fact, out of this whole period of time I have not celebrate my birthday with anybody from my family. Certainly, Covid played a factor in that but I have not had a Christmas with any of them since.

When I agreed to the divorce, she said that we would remain friends like we were in high school but now she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. She doesn’t want to share anything that’s going on in her life, monetarily, or relationships etc. I’m a pretty jovial and easy-going guy and prior to this. I shared a lot about things that were going on in my life. The anxiety, the depression and the fact that I did miss her and I do miss her and care for her still but one last call she told me that the feelings were not mutual and she could no longer support me emotionally, now when she said that is, don’t get me wrong. I don’t need to be supported emotionally like she said, but what she’s trying to say was she didn’t want to hear any of my challenges or difficulties in life. However, when we were in high school prior to being a boyfriend and a girlfriend, we were just friends and we would share that kind of stuff. So now my boys will share with her what’s going on with them but they won’t with me and she won’t share any information that they share with her. I feel that I’ve been left out. I am an only child, so it doesn’t help and my wants very excepting and loving in-laws that I used to count almost like siblings have also cut me out. So I feel very alone in this world.

Then there are the dreams of her, being this woman, that I always have seen as an alter ego, and have tried to in the past to get her to show that or admit to it and have come close, but she has been clever and claims that she isn’t that way because she’s introverted. And then my dreams. She betrays me by doing something that she trumps up and falsely accuses me of and laughs her way as she leaves the room with her lover. I wake up very sad and feeling like there is no purpose to life.

I’ve been taking therapy for the last five years, I have also a psychiatrist that I check in with regularly, and my general practitioner is also very aware of my situation, and I have always kept her in the loop about my emotional situation, and including, the suicidal ideations. In fact, I keep all three of them informed of those kinds of things, including my alcohol use and dependency.

There has been times when I have need it medical assistance to say attend, a procedure or an appointment, and my family refuses to help, however, they will help their elderly grandfather, and actually have replace me in that caregiving role. Yet everyone says that there’s nothing going on and that no one‘s talking about me or making any accusations however, I feel like I am a leper , I know this sounds very paranoid, but I’m done, and I almost feel like leaving Canada and going to Europe to live forever and not let anybody know. That is definitely childish I know, but I am very hurt, and as an only child and a senior male who has just come out as bisexual. And has no money, and I am desperately trying to be my authentic self at 63 years of age. I don’t think it helps that we were very young when we were married and started having kids I was 21 and she was 19 when we got married and then I was 22 and she was 20 with her first child and in the space of six years, we ended up with four children. I worked, I went to university for seven years and received two undergrad degrees. I babysat the children at while she took some university courses, but eventually decided it was too expensive and she wasn’t that interested in learning. When she finally went back to work she chose jobs that were low, paying and did not have any, true benefits, nor a pension fund. She did invest in some small RSP‘s that she would cash out and would pay some bills and she somehow thinks that’s equivalent to the same amount of work that I’ve done and my 50% of my pension. So this is long and complicated. Congratulations to any of you that read this far, I would appreciate any thoughts, ideas and if you have criticism, that’s fine too but please be nice about it I mean certainly a certain amount of frankness can be polite, but I don’t want to be roasted.