Dear All,

For nearly 8 years, I've been in a [same-sex] relationship, and for the past 5, I've been married. Like any relationship, ours has had its share of ups and down. However, recently, I've come to a realization that has been brewing for some time – I want to bring our relationship to an end. This decision didn't happen overnight and of course it’s not an easy decision to admit. Reflecting back, there were several times when I reached to pull the plug, but due to fears, hopes, family, or plain comfort, I convinced myself to keep pushing, hoping it would get better.

I don't have a clear-cut reason for wanting to end things, but rather a deep-seated feeling that it's time to move on. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult to have a conversation with him. Although I don't even know how or where to begin having the conversation.

Over the past years, we've had more and more arguments due to my poor communication, our lack of intimacy, finance imbalance, and a diminishing level of engagement and disconnection. This has taken a toll on our relationship, which feels like it's been hanging by a thread for the past couple of years.

I admit I don't open up and share my thoughts and feelings as openly as a partner should, and I can't explain why. Even when he begs me to talk, I look at him as he cries, and I am wordless and unable to speak – paralyzed.

We both recognize our intimate life has not been active for several years, yet we continue to sleep in separate beds. Initially, it was because I snore, and he couldn't sleep. However, despite admitting we want to change this, we continue sleeping in separate bedrooms every night. I've even asked to sleep with him, he tells me, "I won't sleep if you sleep with me."

My partner is 15 years older than I am, and professionally, he's at a different level, including financially. Recently, he accused me of not doing enough to contribute more financially to the relationship, feeling it's imbalanced, and I am "taking his money." So, in addition to my full-time job, I went out to look for a second job and got a remote position working part-time (10 hours/week). Yet it feels it’s not enough.

Before we met, I voluntarily went to a psychiatric hospital for help and became an outpatient. I learned a lot during that year and acquired skills to help me manage a handicap through a training book that changed my life. Early in our relationship, during an argument, he yelled at me that I live my life "through a f****** book." That hurt me then, and it's a thorn I still hold. That book, more specifically, the skills I acquired saved my life, and he doesn't understand it.

One of the ways that helps me get things done are lists with the tasks I think are important to accomplish for the day; otherwise, my emotions will swing me into different directions, and I wouldn't get anything done. Within that list, I make a point to compliment him. He tells me I don’t do it enough and I’ve broken his self esteem. I don’t believe it’s accurate, but his feelings are valid. In any case, if it’s not enough, it's not because I don't feel it. During a recent argument, he got upset that I needed post it to compliment him – "Why do you need a f****** post-it to tell your husband how much you love him!?" That hurt.

When we met, we would go out to clubs, meet friends and new people, go out on dates, etc., but we don't do any of those things now. Because of his career, he works too much, and during a summer holiday, while drunk, I told him, "I am tired of waiting for you to finish work to do anything." He told me things would be different, yet they're the same. I am not suggesting going out every weekend, but it certainly can't be that we go to bed at 10:00 every weekend. I want to go out and have fun (is that unrealistic?) with friends, meet new people, etc. If he doesn't want to go, then I should be able to go alone, and that's not the case.

We often argue about time. As he's older, he often tells me, "I don't have enough time." I didn't understand it at first, but I do now. However, I still don't believe in impulsive buying, and we need to make informed decisions. So, when he tells me he wants to buy a car, I say OK, "but let's do research and compare prices," he accuses me of not being excited about it.

We're now in the market to buy a house, and this is pushing me towards saying what I've been feeling for several months now. I don't want to make that type of commitment. A few weeks ago, I asked him, "Do you still want to be in this relationship?" and he replied, "I don't know."

I suspect we're both feeling similar feelings and doubts from different perspectives, but we're not talking about the elephant in the room.

There is pressure on my chest because I know I am close to saying all of this to him, and I want to be calm, calculated, and prepared. I just don't know where to start, and my heart is heavy.

I think the starting point should be to suggest we go to couples therapy, although I feel my heart is made up, and there is a shield that I've laid out to protect it.

For now, I have decided to stop drinking completely. I opened my own gym membership and made my own workout routine around my work schedule. I am looking at my own finances and looking at what I can do within my means so that I can have a rough plan once I have the conversation.

All of this is also to underscore that I am sad. The hopes and dreams we had seemed to have gradually faded, and I feel we're in a routine that I no longer want to be a part of.

I really don't know what to do or where to begin.

Best,

XX