I met April in September on a dating app. The first date was pretty awesome...and I had this feeling off: this is so awesome, please say something wrong, this cant be as good. We ended up in bed after the first date..and there the troubles started. In the morning she told me: Hey, would you hate me if i never see you again? Since I had an awesome night I was flabbergasted ...and of course i wanted to see her again...

We kept dating like nothing happened till two weeks later again she told me she might disappear for a couple of weeks..gave some weird excuses that she wanted to date other guys who are not into their exes..That hurt a lot, since at that point i was already very much into her. Of course we kept seeing each other and it turned out she had planned a trip to another country with an old classmate and their friends and for some reason didnt want to see me the time before either. I told her go on the trip, but were definitely single (i didnt trust the whole roadtrip with an old friend thing).

She came back and made a huge scene that she thought i would have had something with other girls why she was gone. How I could do something like this to her...big big drama, and crying and talking till late in the night. And of course we kept going, never committed officially but steady.

I tried to break if off a couple of times but she always came back and the drama disappeared, till it reappeared.

Fast forward 7 month. After an awful trip, where I legitamely got scared of such hate in her eyes I havent seen here in nearly 2 month. It was awful though. Long winding messages how I am her world...how I am so special to her...how she keeps dreaming of me. Mixed with I dont want a relationship with you...

Now we started talking again since a week pretty much on my initiative. We say i love you's. And at least on 3 different days she said shes gonna go again and block me forever on social. Mostly with those long winding text messages, shes an awesome writer. Most of the texts include that she doesnt believe me I love her, that I switch my love to her...that I dont listen to her playlists...added girls on social. Whatever it is its my fault.

Im stuck in this really weird dynamic that I keep pushing now and she doesnt even agree on a meeting. Im bad for you, im going to mess you up...I have fear. While constantly writing I love you and how she likes me on good days.

Also there is so so much secrecy going on. I told her I dont know if you actually love but have a lot of personal problems or if you actually manipulated me since the beginning and are completely different person. Like she wouldnt add me on her social, dont intro me to her friends. Disappearing on new years eve because she gave her phone in repair (texting me from her phone). Two days ago she disappeared on a friday night...just didnt read messages anymore from 9pm and accusing me the next day why im distant.

Of course there is a lot of the usual very hard past, broken relationships. I cant even get angry at her or myself right now...Its just that this whole thing is basically dominating my whole life. All my friends know...my family knows. I have a business thats failing and I dont even really care. Im completely n the whim of if she today loves me and has a good day...or if there is a bad day coming which it always is. My biggest fear is never finding that intensity again that we have in bed and kissing and even just looking into her eyes...is really like heaven..till hell starts all over again.

Sorry for the long text...this forum will really help me I think.