The first thing that we need to nail down is that fear and anxiety are not the same things, though they are closely linked.

Fear is a subconscious response to threat/danger stimuli and uncertainty.

Anxiety is the conscious reaction to fear - the mental element of the fight-or-flight response.

This is why even brave people feel fear - it's not a conscious process. It's like the smell of the unknown. What brave people have is the ability to cope with fear.

And this is where anxiety checks in. Anxiety is the conscious response and is strongly linked to adrenaline. The body does this so that we have the mental and physical energy to react in response to danger. But sometimes the cure can be worse than the disease.

Because what adrenaline also does is turn our focus inward and make us uber-self-conscious. Fear actually doesn't do that. When you're afraid, your focus is external, on whatever stimuli is triggering the response.

Fear isn't actually the worst thing, especially in a dating context. For one thing, it's a sign that you're right on the edge of your comfort zone, where you should be. It's also triggered by dopamine, which is also the neurotransmitter of sexual arousal and interest.

Anxiety on the other hand is a killer. Because it paralyzes you and traps you in your own head. It is what makes you worry and procrastinate. Over-intellectualize and make excuses. Act out from sheer frustration. And ignore the cues from the external world that should make an uncertain situation less uncertain.

And the secret to beating anxiety is to raise your serotonin. Serotonin also returns your mind to an internal, rather than external focus. But unlike dopamine, which focuses your mind on specific things, serotonin widens your gaze and gives you perspective. It is what allows you to counterbalance fear, and handle the stresses of anxiety. Serotonin-raising is the entire goal of exposure therapy, as well as cognitive-behavioral therapy.

So here are my tips for beating anxiety:

  1. Anxiety is energy, give it an outlet.

  2. Practice outcome independence. This lowers the stakes and places your focus on short-term goals, rather than long-term ones. Game is ultimately supposed to be fun after all.

  3. Meditate. Mindfulness is strongly linked to serotonin because it allows us to place ourselves in the context of the external world. It also helps us become aware of our emotions and subconscious cues.

  4. Acceptance. The secret to dealing with both fear and anxiety is not to repress them, but to accept them and channel them. After all, dopamine and adrenaline are what floods our brain when we take stimulants. They only turn into fear and anxiety when it's too much.

  5. Face your fears. This is the culmination of all the previous advice. Because this is how you get your brain to produce the serotonin necessary to keep your shit together in high-stress situations. This is why people practice shit over and over and over again. To get their comfort level up and their confidence in their skills up so that when it really matters, they don't have to stop and think, they just do. And then when it's all over, they realize their fear response has been blunted, and where there was anxiety, there is now confidence.

This very dynamic I'm describing is why naturals seemingly pick up women effortlessly. They have enough serotonin from previous success with women that they don't get anxious. In fact, the less anxious you are with women, the more successful you will be. Both because you have the right vibe, and because your focus is external, rather than internal.