I know why I’m afraid of success.

It’s because I have Asperger’s. I always know that no matter what I do or how successful I get, my Asperger’s will follow me, and the more successful and recognized for that success I get, the more prominent my Asperger’s will shine, as people say, “Wow, he did all that with Asperger’s!”

This wouldn’t be a big deal if Asperger’s wasn’t as stigmatized as it is in society. Of everything that can bring down your SMV, a known Asperger’s diagnosis does so the most. And the thing is, girls have a sixth sense for this stuff, so when they smell Asperger’s, they run because women hate any man who is inferior, especially socially. And the physical effects (harder to gain muscle, possible digestion problems, not having a Chad face) are hard to overcome as well. I feel like Asperger’s is an automatic disqualifier for me making friends, dating, or having kids because I’m inferior/“off”, and everyone knows it. Because we basically give it away through our body language and unconscious mannerisms. And people have a better radar than most think for this stuff. I don’t know any girl who would respect, let alone fuck, a man who she knows has Asperger’s when there are billions of non-spergs for her to choose from. People are so judgmental towards us.

So I’m in a fucked up position where anything I do, I lose. If I stay the way I am, I remain very-low SMV for the rest of my life. If I ascend, my Asperger’s becomes more prominent, and people run from me, And I have low-SMV anyway. It’s a catch-22. It’s probably why everybody treats me different behind closes doors; though they try to be cool about it, they can definitely tell I’m wrong and dysfunctional somewhere deep down. And that will never change until the day I die. It’s not that it’s over... it never began.

I don’t see a solution to this problem. Sometimes, I wish I could just die and reincarnate as a normal dude without any disabilities, because I’m carrying my Asperger’s from birth until death. I hate my Asperger’s.

My parents have tried to tell me it makes me a person people say “wow” at even more.. we all know that’s bullshit and doesn’t matter at all for SMV, where girls hop on the first guys that smoke weed/drink/get into fights/go to jail and just escalate the pattern until they either OD or find a beta bucks to divorce rape heartlessly while cheating behind his back with personal trainers and other jacked dudes.

Idk how to cope with the detrimental effects Asperger’s has on my SMV, which basically make me unlikeable and unable to attract people into my life, let alone unfuckable. The rest of the world is making me feel like I don’t deserve to have any sort of SMV or good life because of my Asperger’s.