I was out last Wednesday and #closed a cute bartender at the bar we were at. Over the course of the weekend we had some witty banter over text to build/maintain attraction, as we were both very busy and wouldn't be free until the middle of this week. She was very responsive to my texts and there were many smileys and hahaha's from her end. When my first 2 time suggestions fell through, she made the 3rd suggestion (which indicated definite interest on her part for meeting up). We made plans for tonight, and this afternoon she drops this on me.

Ugh. Fuck it. I'm gonna be honest, I really don't want to waste your time or lead you on. I don't want to go on this date. It's nothing personal (that probably doesn't make you feel better), but I just don't feel like dating right after getting out of a live-in relationship. I just moved out on my own for the first time and it feels wonderful. I'm sorry if you're mad or disappointed.

This was my first lesson (rather, reminder): Sometimes you do everything right, and she still gets away. It's ok; it's a numbers game. Conversely, sometimes you can do everything wrong but if a girl is into you she'll still sleep with you. It's important to be outcome independent in these situations and think about what you did well or poorly regardless if you "succeeded" or not in the end. As long as you keep improving you'll see better results over the course of many girls, and it's important to not let any individual instance have a huge impact.

Of course, being the chump I am, I replied

I am in no way looking to start any kind of relationship. If you still want to grab drinks tonight, <redacted> at 8. If not, no biggie, maybe I'll see you around :)

I thought I sounded so badass when I sent the text! In reality, it was a blunder, and probably did not leave her with a good impression of me.

I had forgotten the second lesson, which is when in doubt, treat her like a (good) female friend. (Disclaimer: this assumes you are comfortable and touchy with your female friends, cuddly, backrub-y ticklefight-y, etc.) One of the best ways for me to remember to kino and escalate is just to pretend that they are one of my best female friends and I do all the stuff I naturally do with her. This also applies to verbal communication (e.g. when you see her, say hi and greet her like a friend, not a stranger).

What I should have said, in my opinion, is something along the lines of

Oh fuck :O It's cool; I remember what it was like to get out of an LTR and breath fresh air for once :) enjoy being single, and if you ever want to grab drinks you know where to reach me.

This is something I would say to a good friend of mine if they confided in me that they just broke up with an LTR. Alternatively, I could have gone in the complete other direction and done something caveman-y like

You up for NSA then?

The problem with my actual reply was that it strongly hinted that all I wanted was (NSA) sex, but it made me appear that I was not comfortable with the idea enough to say it outright. Confidence is a winning trait! Either I should have gone for the NSA sex, or been completely ok with her blowing me off, but I shouldn't have pansied around with a middling response. Moreover, my last text sort of made explicit the fact that I was treating her like a date/potential target, rather than as a good friend to go out with.