The further along I climb in this transformation from AFC to the most awesome version of myself I can be, the more I realize that 'the main battle is the battle with my scumbag brain'. The theory I read here and on RSD Nation have shown me the light, but moving toward it has been a difficult struggle to beat back a lot of my past social conditioning and limiting beliefs.

I've known this girl for a bit less than 2 years. She just turned 18, senior in high school. I am almost 19, a college sophomore (skipped a grade). When I first met her, I had a SERIOUS case of one-itis. I thought about her pretty much all day for a couple months while I was away during my freshman year. We hung out during spring break last year and I was ridiculously AFC back then - seeking validation from her, saying things I thought she wanted to hear, did not make a move, etc. The whole deal. It's a wonder she still wanted to hang out with me after that!

Fast forward to now: My inner game has improved tremendously since then. I meditate. I don't fap (shameless plug for NoFap here, I think the benefits are very real). I am self-amused and better at creating my own fun rather than taking it from others. I no longer get one-itis for girls. As for results since then, I've had 2 K-Closes and a handjob. Nothing special I suppose, but I still feel I've come a long way and am on the right track.

What happened today: She comes over to my place so that we can go hiking in the canyon by my house. I start off kino right off the bat by giving her one of those half-hugs (definitely should have gone more all out. I would have, but I chickened out because it didn't seem like she was expecting one. Gotta remember to just lead!) We're both kind of intellectual people, so from past experience I knew conversations would likely tend in that direction (think books, commentary on culture and society, politics etc) . So this time I tried to change things up more and talk about random things or animals I saw in the canyon, and joke more. Probably should have done more with this. We run into one of her best friends on the trail and her friend sort of insinuated that they've talked about me before. Whatever haha. I was doing a lot of things to reinforce self-amusement by stopping randomly to look and comment about different sights, and kino'ed her occasionally.

Now the interesting part: So we're back at my house, alone, just eating clementines and chillin. I tried to ingrain this in my head before we met up: "Just push boundaries, your ego doesn't matter." I read an inspiring quote by Roosh V from his book, BANG: "Girls reward aggressive guys who want to have sex with them, not timid guys who wait for pussy to fall from the sky". Despite what I KNEW I should do - just stop her mid-sentence, go up to her and start kissing her - I couldn't bring myself to do it! Scumbag brain in action!! Just stood there a couple of feet away from her, chatting.

I couldn't take this mental torture any more so I just start walking toward the door, implying that it's time for her to go. Right in front of the door, she tells me, "I had a great time" or something. In a burst of semi-courage, I go up to her, give her a hug, pull back a bit then say "There's something in your teeth let me get that" then just go in for the kiss. My lips meet her lips! Oh shit is this really happening? I release after maybe 2 seconds.

She smiles (at least I think she did) and says "What's in my teeth"? At this point I lost a lot of presence and wasn't really in control of myself anymore, I think since I'm just not used to being in this kind of situation. I tell her "A piece of orange skin" then fumble to open the door. To diffuse the situation I laugh and say "That's probably the cheesiest thing I've ever done." Honestly, I don't really remember what transpired after that. I think she just said "It's cool haha, see you next time" and walked out.

I text her later, "It was fun spending time with you today. See you soon, have fun this semester" and she responds, "Likewise! Haha I hope you have fun too. (Cat emoji)"

REFLECTION: Was it pretty awkward at the end? Yea. Did she notice my discomfort and probably infer from that I'm inexperienced around girls? Yea probably. But FUCK IT MAN GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. This experience was worth probably a whole book on theory, because the best way to build up a strong model of reality is through FIRST HAND EXPERIENCES THAT TEACH LESSONS. My life is an experiment, and now I have another reference experience to assimilate into my reality. Next time I'm in a similar situation, I KNOW I'll have the balls to go for it in the middle of the interaction rather than just waiting until the end (and go for it with more aggression and presence) because I'm all about progress and the feeling that if I chicken out, then I did not improve from last time will outweigh the nervousness I may feel. It's a GRADUAL process for sure but I'm proud of my success today (failure would have been to not go for the K-Close at all, that was not an option because I KNEW I would feel like shit if I didn't)

Sorry for the ramble and bad grammar but I'm just getting stuff out there stream-of-consciousness style. That's about all I have! So hope this was at least a bit interesting/inspiring and KEEP KILLIN IT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF!!