Hey guys,

25M Longtime lurker here with your typical AA problems. This is my first FR so be gentle. Just a bit of background: I am sociable in general and comfortable around women, have no trouble making them laugh or create comfort. I just hit a brick wall when it comes to escalation to anything more than friends. That means to this point I have kissed 4 girls and that's it. Ouch.

A co-worker I met just before quitting my job had come in from europe a few weeks ago. Blonde hair, blue eyes, solid 7.5. From the get go we clicked however I did not bother escalating because we were still co-workers at the time. The interesting dynamic here is that she essentially knows very few people and even less about the city.

After the holidays this girl starts texting me wanting to hang out. I was at her place last week although I did not stay too long. Just did some very light kino and dropped some sexual innuendos just "seed" the idea. She told me she hooked up with a guy before the holidays and "is with him" but doesn't see it going anywhere. I take this as her basically saying "I'm open".

Fast forward to Yesterday. She wants to go out and wants me to come. I had other plans so I told her no but they fell through so I called her back and told her she's a lucky girl because I'm free after all.

Now she wants to know where to go, I tell her my place for some drinks and then we'll head out. (Definitely nudges them to a yes if they aren't sure)

She comes in and loves my place (she's an interior designer) and tells me how she likes my style etc... We start drinking...All this time I am slowly working my kino by lightly touching her hands shoulders incidentally. She's receptive. (Side note: We're talking about all sorts subject but at one point she brings up how she's been raped a few times so she wanted to some krav maga to work out and learn self defense. I changed the subject without letting the subject linger) We drink some more. I start with a bit of overt kino by put her legs on mine, caressing her hand. All this time I am torn inside because the kino is working but I'm still holding myself back. I was literally beating myself up "JUST GO FOR IT" is all I kept repeating myself. As she gets up she purposefully glides her hand on my chest. I tell myself ok this is it there is no excuse anymore. We keep talking for a minute and she asks me a question, at this point I say "I'm going to tell you all about, but I'm going to kiss you first." And so as I go in... she suddenly stops. "Please don't... I'm still with him...I can't..." Now at this point I feel like I had two choices:

  1. She is fucking drunk I can just do it anyway. She'll just love it. (Side note: Due to the fact that my practical experience SUCKS I was slightly anxious I might fuck up the kiss although it wasn't anything paralyzing.)

2.I told myself but...this girl tells me she was raped and she technically still is with the guy I honestly don't want to force myself onto her.

And so I went with option 2. I said "that's ok" and I slowly give her a kiss on the cheek and then on the neck. (I don't know wtf I was thinking). She then came closer and kissed my neck and hugged me for a good 20 seconds. In retrospect I think if I had more confidence the correct call was to persevere. Back off a bit and try again later in the night. However what I think is good is that I didn't freeze or make a big deal out of it. I just said "ok that's fine. Relax, don't worry about it." And we just continued on with the night. I did not stop kino-ing although I didn't escalate.

In conclusion, small victories but still need a lot of work. I have a problem with taking way too much time to escalate so in that respect I think it's a win, I let her know my intentions early on without dragging myself in the friendzone.

Last thing I'd like to add: she still wants to come over next time and generally wants to do activities with me. I know the correct call is to forget about this girl but I'm not sure if persevering would pay off by escalating the next time we're alone just to tell her I don't want to be just friends. Ugh, this is hard because she's a legitimately interesting person. (Yes, I realize the oneitis symptoms)

Key take aways:

  • Believe in your instincts. As a beginner you always doubt whether she feels the same way or not. Just do it and see what happens. JUST. DO IT.

  • Identify shit tests and/or know when to persevere. I'm sure I could have kissed this girl and maybe take it further although to me it was slightly in the grey area. The rape thing really threw me off.

  • Make sure you feel confident enough. In this case I really do feel like with a little more experience I wouldn't have been self-conscious about the kiss and would have made a 2nd attempt after building some more rapport.

I'm going to a party tonight and she will be there with her guy. I intend on having fun and not focusing my attention on her but I'm not sure what the best option is.

Thanks for reading.