This is just a bit of a story about what I'm currently going through... I'm pathetic and I know it.

I can't seem to be capable of channeling the same motivation I had a few months ago and it's killing me because I know I can do it and it'd only take for me to get out of my head and just APPROACH. A few months ago I started a series ( [Part 1] of the series) here on seddit that got good responses which probably contributed to me remaining motivated but then ONEITIS hit, and hit really fucking hard. I met many girls during this period of time that I kept approaching, approaching, and approaching. Out of the (aprox.) 20 I wrote about in the series I still talking to 7 of them constantly but nothing really grew out of those interactions because I really spent all energy on this ONE girl I got really into and also because the semester ended so everyone is back home.

So this girl -let's call her E- is someone I've known for a little more than a year (we met online) and before I started my journey as a "PUA" I confessed to her I was quite attracted to her. She already knew this but the thing is that we live very, very far from each other. Also, during the first few months we started talking, I'd talk to her coming from this scarcity mindset that she was likely spot because she's not only a psychologist but one of the smartest persons I've ever known (honestly, this is an understatement). It was around the time that I told her how I felt that we stopped taking "for good" because she revealed she satarted dating someone. This did not hit me as hard as it probably should have but I still felt like it'd be better for us to stop talking. she was pretty sad about it but I felt I did the right thing because it'd do me more harm than good if I were to stick around.

I went on my journey, things were fucking great and I was so damn proud of myself for putting myself out there, meeting new people, living without regret of not approaching... I honestly felt unstoppable! 2 months passed and I felt i was in such a great place that I decided to reconnect with E in hopes to resume our friendship and fun conversations but in reality I think my intention was for her to see this new-me and perhaps realize that I'm the guy she should be with (I should have known better).

I messaged her asking how she was doing and apologizing for acting like such a kid. She replied shortly after saying that it was fine and that she understood. We kept talking for a good amount of time. We'd have constant about discussions about Game of Thrones. We both watch the show but she's a also book reader so she would always ask me about what I thought was gonna happen on the next episode and stuff related to that. Every day (except weekends) we'd hear from one another and started to notice these feelings really taking over me and I fucking let them because I THOUGHT it'd be different this time. You have to realize that this is a girl that is open to talk about anything and expressed no fear... EVER. She'd even flirt with me which is something she'd even do back when I wasn't approaching but I totally bought into it and allowed myself to think she was actually becoming attracted to me.

School ended but at this point I really wasn't approaching new people because E really was everything I wanted my drive and determination to be spent on. I felt she deserved it (and still do feel that way) and felt great. Without realizing I was becoming THAT guy again, fearful and insecure... It did not feel like that though. I came to the wrong realization that my whole purpose to get "in the game" was for me to become the guy worth of HER and, to add embarassment to this statement, I WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT.

Eventually season 4 of Game of Thrones ended and we'd touch old subjects for the most part and yep slight flirting that would mess me up until the day came when I just said to her that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to see her as just a friend. I even made stupid assumptions about the core of our friendship that pissed her the fuck off. If there's something I'm sure of is that she really, really cared about our friendship and that's why it hurts so much that it has probably ended for good this time.

You have to realize this woman is what I'd label as "the girl of my dreams" (i know, really corny and she'd definitely cringe if she was to read this). Words cannot describe how brilliant I find her, it's ridiculous and I want to fight through these feelings because I remain stuck STILL hoping for her to reconnect with me out of the blue just so I could feel sorta whole again.

Idk exactly what I'm trying to accomplish with this post besides support? Perhaps someone can relate? Idk. All I know is that I need to wake the fuck up and rediscover the rockstar in me!