In the following essay, I will explain how social exchange theory can help us maintain the flow of conversation. I provide readers with four key principles and a useful practice exercise.

Conversation is a continuous process of give and take. It is much more than talking. Conversation – pouring both ways – is any form of ongoing reciprocal exchange, verbal or otherwise. You contribute something to the conversation, your partner receives and then reciprocates with something of her own which you take. As the exchange relation moves back and forth, momentum builds and conversation livens. Good conversation, then, is like a professional tennis match. With this image in mind, it isn’t hard to understand why conversation sometimes breaks down.

Simply put, conversation breaks down either because one party fails to give or because one party fails to take. In other words, someone drops the ball. Whenever you say ‘no’ to your partner or get a negative response yourself, you interrupt the exchange and disrupt the flow of conversation.

So first, you must avoid spurning your partner’s offers. For instance, if a girl you barely know pulls a bag of fuzzy peaches out of her pocket, takes one between her fingertips and brings it to your mouth for you to eat it, you will ruin the exchange relationship if you keep your lips tight and turn down her gift. Being uninterested and picky impedes conversation. You must learn to take.

Second, you must comply to your partner’s requests. A girl you have been talking with in a nightclub might suddenly ask you to dance. Instead of getting up to boogie, assume you choose to remain seated and listen to the music while watching people having fun on the floor. By standing your ground, you have interrupted the conversation and broken the flow. Being difficult harms conversation as much as being picky. You must learn to give.

Therefore, if you wish to keep a conversation going, be sure to agree a lot. When a girl makes herself pretty for your pleasure, shares stories of interest, introduces you to new people, flashes a smile at you, just be thankful for the gift. Learn to take. And when a girl wants you to hear out what she has to say, acts playful, asks for a drink, seems curious to know about your friends, just be nice and comply generously. Learn to give. Being agreeable makes for good conversation.

Of course, you cannot keep the conversation flowing all by yourself. Agreement must cut both ways. You need someone willing to keep her eyes on the ball and return it to your side of the court. Unfair or exploitative exchange relationships are inherently unstable. You must therefore expect your exchange partners to play fair. Although you cannot play for two people, you can choose good partners and especially help your actual partner play her best.

First, your partner must gladly take whatever it is you offer. If she’s being picky, you should ask her to lower her standards. Strict standards effectively kill conversation because they prevent exchange. But when dealing with reasonable people, your best bet is to collect beforehand various goods of value to exchange during conversation and to tailor your conversation output to your partner’s needs in a timely fashion. Before you go out to meet people, update your repertoire by learning helpful information, interesting stories, fun games, new facts and make-believe or gather some props that people will find valuable and be thankful for. During conversation, answer requests as they arise. But first, you must collect valuable goods to exchange.

Second, your partner must comply to your own requests. If you never ask for anything and expect nothing from the conversation, or if you are being picky yourself, nothing your partner does will satisfy your needs. She will hit the ball outside the court every time and the game will stop. So be sure to know what you like getting most from your partner. Before going out, think about what the venue and the people you will be with have to offer which you value. Also, if your partner is being difficult and uncooperative, point the problem out. Prepare yourself to express your needs. Prepare yourself to satisfy those needs. But first, you must have such needs.

To summarize, conversation is a form of social exchange. Both parties must give and take, otherwise the conversation breaks down or never lifts off the ground. Four basic principles follow : (1) take what your partner gives, (2) give what your partner takes, (3) offer what your partner values and (4) value what your partner offers. The first two principles come down to being agreeable. The other two principles are about good match. For enhanced understanding, we can negate each principle to produce rules about behavior best avoided : (5) do not spurn a good, (6) do not keep a good, (7) do not offer what your partner does not value and (8) do not value what your partner does not offer. If goods and needs match both ways and if both parties agree to exchange, conversation should flow smoothly.

Now comes the challenge of applying these principles in real time. If you feel bad about your conversation skills, practice is your only hope for improvement. So for the next 30 days, take an hour or so to prepare yourself before going out to have conversation with people. On a sheet of paper, spend forty minutes trying to answer these two questions :

Question 1. What do the people I am meeting have to offer which I might like ?

Question 2. What do I have to offer to these same people which they might like ?

If you cannot answer one or both questions, do not expect good conversation. There can be no exchange and no profitable conversation if you have nothing valuable to exchange and no needs to satisfy. So before you go out, do your best to formulate expectations and acquire goods that people there might value. For instance, you might expect people to tell you about recent events in their lives, share interesting stories, tap into their areas of expertise, dance, play games, discuss a topic, be funny, flirt, make out, share food and so on. You might also want to learn a new joke, a silly game or a magic trick, read the news, bring music and pictures on your cell phone, wear nice looking clothes, etc. Take the time to answer each question thoroughly. Do some research. Brainstorm. Be creative.

Doing this exercise once in your life might help a bit, but it won’t rock your social life. If you are serious about having good conversation, open a new text document, write both questions on a single page, leave some room under each question to write down your answers, print thirty copies and leave them on your desk. Fill in one page before each time you go out to socialize until you’ve gone through the pile. This should take two or three months. Your conversation skills will be soaring before the end.

There remains the issue of timing and actual performance. You might expect to make out with a girl during the evening, but she might not offer you a chance before later that night. Or you might have a great story to tell, but people might have other concerns and not want to hear it immediately upon your arrival. Therefore, it is not enough to expect value and have value to offer. You must also be sensitive to context and manage your exchanges accordingly. Direct experience with actual conversation will help, but if you want to prepare in advance to reduce stress and improve your outcomes, sit down somewhere comfortable, close your eyes and spend twenty minutes visualizing various scenarios and rehearsing promising conversation threads involving what you just wrote down. Visualization is a great way to warm up and practice before you actually head out into the social scape.

For more information on social exchange theory, look up George C. Homans.

Hope this helps !

Gustavo