TL;DR Abundance. There are thousands of girls out there who want you. Don't waste your time with one who is apprehensive.

I posted a field report about a failed escalation attempt on a third date and how I handled this situation. One of the responses has really made me think about my approach to a situation where a girl who has had a reasonable chance to decide on whether she is attracted to you or not, proceeds to reject your attempts at escalation (more than token resistance).

Each situation is different, but here's my final verdict to guide my future behaviour in this area.

I love getting physical with girls, it's awesome, but furthermore there is only so far I am willing to emotionally connect with a girl before I expect to get physical. There are several reasons for this

  • for females that I am physically attracted too, I need the physical aspect to accentuate the emotional bond

  • to avoid the friend-zone and to avoid being an orbiter

  • to avoid her slotting me into the boyfriend camp - due to my job, hobbies and house, I have a lot of value to girls, and I need to be careful that they aren't trying to pidgeon hole me.

  • I find that good sex is the thing that cements her attraction for you - until then, it can often be uncertain

  • I don't need the emotional validation of going on a 4th or a 5th date with a chick without getting physical.

  • it's fun

That is my choice, and has nothing to do with outcome dependence.

The key to outcome independence is knowing that you can walk away at any time - walking away from a girl who doesn't find you attractive enough to let you escalate isn't outcome dependence, it's shows willpower and self-respect for your ideals and values.

She made her choice. She has a right to do that. You can make your choice. You have the right to do this. You have to respect her choice to say no. But you don't have to sit there and take it like a bitch. Get up and leave. Or make her leave. Otherwise, she knows she has you right where she wants you.

You all have to decide on your values. But at least I have determined mine, and I'm going to stick by them.