So, I have been crushing on this girl for over a year and a half.

I'm a senior in high school (18) and she's a junior (17). Ever since I hit the hormonal stage in my life I have gone through stages of crushing over a girl then finding someone new and forgetting about the previous girl. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but its what I've gone through. I've also been an incredibly shy and reserved person throughout my life so I never took action so they always just slowly grew apart from me. The aforementioned crush was the strongest one I have ever had. She was beautiful, smart, and incredibly kind to everyone it seemed. Everyday I would punch myself in the face (figuratively) for not speaking up when I saw her.

A few months ago I realized how much I would regret not making an attempt to talk to her. With graduation and me moving out of state in the imminent future, I said "fuck it" and made contact. However, it was through twitter as I could not bring myself to actually talking to her in person. I sent what, in the moment, I thought was a heart felt message about how much I wanted to get to know her. I then made the mistake of not initiating further afterward and it just kind of fizzled out.

Side note: I have had trouble initiating conversation with people in conversation (which she always seemed to be in). I've even had this problem with friends of mine, so it wasn't just my crushing over her that was stopping me.

Fast forward a couple months of no contact, I finally say "hi" in passing. This was a real accomplishment as I usually keep to myself as stated before. I finally felt like I broke through. This feeling was short lived as I couldn't move further than a simple greeting. I started asking her through twitter messages to hang out or go out to lunch, but she was always busy. I knew I should just forget it and move on, but my heart would not allow me to give up until she told me she wasn't interested. I just needed closure.

All of this back story has led to what happened today. I got closure. She told me straight up that she was not looking for a relationship. I told her I understood and wished her the best. But, I'm now stuck in limbo. I'm relieved that I finally got closure, however, I'm pretty bummed that it couldn't work out. I will always have that "what if" in the back of my mind. But, it is a different, and much less depressing, "what if" that I would have had had I not taken action.

I have learned and grown a ton in these past few months, though. I realize how important it is to just go for it. Getting the answer you don't want to hear is better than not getting an answer and having that decision not to act tear you apart. I have also realized that people do care about what I have to say and I need to start speaking up more and breaking out of my shell. This tale may seem a bit pathetic to some but I am proud of what I did and ready to build further.