Getting over Oneitis

candid_salad · 2015-07-05T10:27:33+00:00

Hey, congratulations on making this post. Recognising that you're at rock bottom and finally want to start turning things around is the first step in a long process, so you've already made some progress!

Firstly,

Been waking up absolutely miserable since a break up with a girl over a year ago.

I would book an appointment with a therapist if it's at all possible, just to check that you don't have depression and/or anxiety. Think of it like going to the doctor to check up on your runny nose - it could be that you just have a head cold which can be kicked easily by getting some rest, it might also be that you have pneumonia and need to start antibiotics right fucking now or this thing will kick your ass. Either way, you'll feel better once you talk to someone and find out for sure what's going on.

Secondly,

finally ready to dive in this community and see what it has to offer.

It's interesting that you phrased it this way. The implication is that you're going to read what we have to say and then take some value from it. Don't think of it like this. You want to be giving value rather than taking value. You should be making yourself into the type of person who can engage meaningfully with this community and perhaps offer something back in time. You're giving value rather than taking it.

Regarding oneitis,

Whenever you're severely hung up on a girl there is almost always a discrepancy between the image of her in your head and the actual person that exists in real life. To remedy this, you need to ask yourself some hard questions and then try and answer them as honestly as possible.

"What did I actually like about this girl?" Write your answers down on a piece of paper, and write as many dot points as you can. Now, look at each dot point that you've written. Have you written down qualities/attributes/traits that she has which you value and like? e.g.

She's passionate.
She's creative/talented.
She's ambitious.
She's intelligent.
We have great chemistry.

Chances are, your list looks very different. As an example, here's the list that I wrote about my first girlfriend:

She's attractive.
She actually likes me.
She understands me.
She makes me happy.

This girl didn't actually have any of the cool attributes off the first list. Essentially I just liked her because she was attractive and holy shit an attractive girl actually likes me back! I used the fact that she was going out with me as a form of validation for myself, and only felt good about myself because this girl was giving me attention.

So the good news is this. Once you start writing out these lists you'll be able to bring your image of the girl in your head closer to the actual girl who exists in real life. The first step to overcoming oneitis is to realise that this girl wasn't perfect and wasn't an angel. She had flaws, just like you and everybody else.

Your goal is to find a girl that you like for reasons on the first list and then make yourself into the type of person who girls on the first list are going to want to date. Importantly, if you disagree with my first list then feel free to write your own. It can be a little more personal and can reflect your own tastes/desires.

I hope this helps a little! Good luck with everything

Sam5813 · 2015-07-05T09:14:46+00:00

Join the gym and focus on improving yourself in general. The gym is only the first step in this process.

doublekbang · 2015-07-05T13:39:45+00:00

You gotta let go dude. Yeah sounds easier said than done but that is the way to get over this Oneitits. You can try letting go by trying to approach other girls, getting yourself busy, stop thinking about her so think about her less by making yourself do other hobbies get yourself invested in something new but really, the first step I can tell you.. is you gotta let go.

Title	Getting over Oneitis
Author	Fullmetal180
Upvotes	13
Comments	5
Date	July 5, 2015 7:05 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3c6e1b/getting_over_oneitis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/getting-over-oneitis.1390553 https://theredarchive.com/post/1390553

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