I'm such a fundamentally insecure... and frankly lazy... person that I don't even have confidence in forming a well-written diatribe, so I'm just going to resort to a list to get down the essentials here:

1) Fat 2) Aforementioned lazy 3) Haven't had a girlfriend in ten years 4) Yep, porn 5) Deathly afraid of others' opinions

.....alright, fuck the list format.

I feel like I'm randomly throwing elements of my frustration at you guys with no rhyme or reason, but I feel like that's all I can do right now. For all I've read on this site, I feel as though I still don't fundamentally understand seduction. For one, the whole playful banter negging thing (although I hate that word negging). I see guys do it, tease girls, keep them on their feet, give them a hard time, and I see that it works, and how I feel like if I tried to do that it would just come across as forced and creepy. If I wisecrack at a girl I always get scared and then diffuse any tension with a nervous laugh. Maybe that's actually kind of charming? Maybe not the fuck at all?

For all my declared impotence, I'm actually not a virgin. I traveled from New Jersey to Maine to see a very long time online friend and it happened, but I fucking bombed, needless to say. And she was actually hot.... I feel like I need to say that, for some reason, maybe because I'm not at all, at least in my self-appraisal. I'm vastly overweight, for one, and I know that's a cardinal sin.

I'm sorry about this post being so uncentered and seemingly without a point. I guess the point is me reaching out to a group of people who understand the same thorn in the side of my life.

.....who the fuck am I kidding. You're all going to reject me. You're going to criticize my post, criticize me, and the majority of you will probably write an anti-climactic response like "Just lift, bro." (Well now someone definitely will). On the flip side, the geniuses among you are probably scanning me up and down,inferring from this all manners of neuroses and hang ups that you're all too willing to throw back at my transparent ass. And that won't help my confidence at all... if I'm that easy to read.

I"m sorry to be so defensive. I'm fundamentally scared of the world. All I see are roadblocks, and personal handicaps that bar me from things I want out of life. Like the title says, there's a long hard road ahead of me and there's no reason for me to think I'll make it.

.... oh yeah, and I have oneitis like a mother fucker, an ex from my ancient, ancient past.