I had a really bad relationship a few years ago, downright abusive on her end. Lots of emotional manipulation. She would always try to make me suspicious that she was cheating "to see if I cared about her". Like she'd lie about where she was, she'd say she's at a guy's house when she's actually at home. Etc. Now I never know if she actually cheated or not, but I can't have a relationship now without that coming back. Even with fwb. I'll start thinking of them fucking someone else, and then me fucking them after(unkowingly) and literally feel nauseous. Now my problem with cheating in general, is being deceived. If they tell me, I'll just cut ties and not really care. Feels like being cucked when you're deceived. Recently I read this story as well, about this guy who ate out his girlfriend while she recorded. She eventually told him a few months later that when he ate her out then, another guy finished in her before that, and unknowing bf ate it out of her. Apparently rando said he'd out the girl if she didn't record it. I read that and I literally felt like vomiting, thinking what if that happened to me and I didn't know. I can't have any close relationships anymore, even with girls who I trust. I just imagine bad shit. Please help.

Edit:also whenever I see perceived red flags of cheating, because of shitty exgf I can't tell if they're legitimate or if I'm just being irrational. Like I can't jump to a conclusion unless I know for certain, so it's like I'm always in limbo