Originally postet in r/nofap; just skip to the 2nd paragraph

I was watching porn...

Just kidding, I quit that shit couple days before new years eve. I relapsed once after 53 days without porn but due to HOCD which I now got pretty much under control. Back then I didn't even know there's a name for it. I'm currently on day 76 of my second streak.

A week after my relapse a girl at a friend's small party hit on me. She had lots of makeup and was initiating conversation. I slightly remember seeing her hitting on another guy at his party 3 months earlier. Because I didn't know what to talk about, I couldn't look her in the eye as I used to with people in general. Therefore the ridiculous thing is I somehow didn't look at her properly and mistankenly thought she wasn't very pretty. But she was indeed really cute a buddy told me the next day. After she left the party a female friend of hers told me that the cute girl really liked me and gave me the girls number and said I should text her which I did the next day.

Two days later met at her place, watched Netflix and made out in the end what I initiated. We repeated that two times but I failed to escalate. As unlogical this may sound right now I'm honestly unexpierenced with and insecure around girls. That's why I didn't lead her and read her signals properly. She switched between being obvious about her sexual interest and backing off. In the following two weeks we met twice but I didn't kiss her because I was to insecure to make out with her in front of her friends. She lost interest and I fucked things up like a mad 5yo when she flaked on the next "date/meet up".

Looking back makes me realise how much she was attracted to me and how easy I could have lost my virginity to her which was the first part of my plan (second reason for texting and meeting her was checking wether she's as slutty as I thought when alone: she wasn't but neither girlfriend matieral for sure).

I've beat myself up over and over why I messed up and made those mistakes I did. But now I finally realised the real mistake. The real failure was: Not taking action and approaching girls and learn how to talk to them instead of beating myself up why I didn't sleep with second girl I ever kissed...

I had to get that out of my head because I couldn't concentrate while studying physics. By the end of this month I will be 18 and finish school. Last year I nearly cried the day before my 17th birthday because I hadn't kissed a girl back then. Now I kissed two girls, the first one became my girlfriend for two months. But this time I will have trouble not being sad on my up coming 18th birthday because I think I missed out on not having sex yet.

But after receiving my school leaving certificate I'm going to hit the gym harder than ever before and improve my game with girls and my social life. I have only 3 good friends but I don't know wether 2 of them will stay because I'm always the one asking to hang out. Thus all are spread in different social circles.

Anyways writing out what I was thinking helped me a lot in regards of clearing my mind, eventually this post helps you a little bit, too.

Feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts, wisdom and tips without mincing matters.