tl;dr - had an apparent relationship with some girl and I fucked it up by being a big pussy, beta, whatever you call it. I need help to stop being like this and also how to fucking get my game on. Need to learn how to stop being a little bitch and maybe move on. I just need some help! Anything!

This has been bothering me for so long now that it is tearing me apart. A little about me first. Before I had ever met this woman, I had never been in any form of relationship with any girl or gotten even too close for that matter. I always have this paranoid view that if you give a girl too much attention towards them, or "clingy", they notice it and just start to slowly go away from you, friendzone you, etc. So to avoid this, I pretty gave a no fucks given attitude when I talked to them. However, in some points of my life, I met girls who would talk to me and be interested and this would already get me excited thinking that this girl is interested in me, but that thought is argued with the point above. So I pretty much had cognitive dissonances with some girls in my life where they were around me and talked with me despite my social awkwardness. I kept my distance, even if it hurt me on the inside that I wanted to take her out and maybe even take a shot at a relationship but I always fucking fear rejection.

Now I come into college, I am focused completely on getting my shit together and just finishing my classes. Last year I failed some of my classes and it sent me into a state of depression where all I did with my time and money was waste it impusively on video games. No more. I want to set things right. I didn't even care if I talked to girls or not, I just want to get my college done! First fucking week of the semester with this willpower and then out of the blue, a girl comes up to me and just chills at my table talking to me. I was like, whatever, I'll go with it but I never expected this to go anywhere and I was fine with that. I told myself that I wouldn't fall for this girl, cause if I did I would be obsessed, and obsession is just asking for you to get rejected and thrown aside.

Slowly though, we get close. She started by inviting me to be with her friends, then to go watch movies with her friends, then to watching movies with just me an her, then to pretty much hanging out just by ourselves! This made me feel pretty damn good about myself as there was finally a girl that was being with me. At the same time, I was feeling like shit because I was getting too attached and didn't want to get too close like a fucking puppy ready to hump a leg. I kept my distance out of fear that she would reject me or think I'm a creep i.e. rarely complimented, not sound mushy, never touched her (like hugging, arm around her shoulder, etc). I am too fucking afraid to make the risk of doing these things cause I don't want to be treated like shit anymore. There were times when she invited me to her home when her parents weren't even home. I felt like she really wanted to get it on with me, but me being the little bitch I am never did anything. All we did was, literally, watch movies/shows while I was at her place. Then one day after going to the last day of a convention that we both liked (we went to this just me and her also), we went to her house and once again, house was empty. We were gong to grab a show that she owned that I wanted to watch with her. The show was in her room so I was expecting to wait for her as she wanted to grab the dvds. She went up the stairs and then shouted for me to come up there. I fucking shut down in my head. I really felt my reality shatter. I just stood there like an idiot and just said "Uh.." to the point where she told me to not be shy and just come up. I did. She wanted to show me her collection of books and movies. I don't really know if she had other things in mind but I swear she really wanted me. However, the minute I got to her room I jumped to fake exitement to see her collection and focused on nothing but that. I was so fucking nervous that all I wanted to do was just stare at the collection and nothing more. After a while she said nothing then showed me her mini fridge and I said that it was nice while still focused on that bookshelf of videos. After a couple of seconds, I asked where the dvd was, and she pointed to it and then I just grabbed it and we left the place to go watch it and that was that. No sex. No making out. Nothing. I could've but I didnt want to. I was fucking nervous and even if she did want it, I don't even fucking think I can do it right and just probably dissapoint her. Even after we(more like she) was close and I continued my game. One day, after all that shit that almost went down at her place, I texted her to see if she wanted to go to a farewell party for a friend. After a couple responses, she like, broke down. She had some serious problems and admitted that she was using me and her friends to run away from some problems in her family. She told me all her problems and me being the little bitch I am started telling my problems to her. After that, I broke down too. Fuck. She trusted me with her problems, and you know what I did afterwards?! I fucking felt even more nervous around her. I wanted to help but, damn it man, I can't even help myself. Talking to her felt like disarming a bomb. Everyday I felt bad and thought that maybe I should text her every fucking day to see if she is okay, but I shuddered even more at the idea of being with her. Maybe that is what she needed, but fuck man, I can't. I don't even want to give my compassion to her and then eventually turn out to be an emotional tampon but damn it man she trusted me with her shit so I was confused on what the hell I should do. In the end, all I did was avoid her and not even see her anymore. I saw her rarely, but every time we met I felt like shit and felt like I should say something to help her but naw.

Now, she is gone. She's in Florida and I talk with her regularly through email but I don't even think she cares for me anymore. I think i fucked it up and I shouldn't even talk to her anymore because I fucked up. Damn it. I don't know what to do anymore. Staying just friends seems fucking almost impossible for me as I feel too attached to her although I swear she doesn't even feel the same for me anymore and probably is after some other guy anyway.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Move on? If so how? or should I try to improve myself and learn to stop being so much a fucking pussy so I can learn how to not be afriad to freaking get close to women, even if they think I am weirdo I don't know man, fuck, I just need some serious help. I almost killed myself just even thnking about this and I fear that I might do it again. One more fucking year and I can buy a gun and that idea is still rampant in the back of my head. Please, I need some help. Anything please.

Sorry if this sounded like shit but I really needed to get this out of my fucking head.