tl;dr at the end

I've been trying for years to internalize what I call "the grand contradiction" of seduction in my mind. It's been a source of a lot of frustration and borderline exasperation for me.

From everything that I have read and seen, one of the main keys to being good with women seems to be remaining aloof, caring less about them than they about you, and not being needy at all.

The very first chapter Mark Manson's book Models is called "Non-Neediness", and starts with "A man's attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average. The needier he is, the less attractive he will be to women on average."

So what I can't for the life of me wrap my head around is how to congruently do this and not give all your power away.

I've heard RSD instructors like Todd Valentine say this kind of thing ad nauseam. The frame he says to adopt is that you're like a prince slumming it with the commoners and when approach a girl you're a prince approaching a poor farm girl. The idea being that this will help you pass shit tests because a commoner saying something smart to a prince means nothing.

But then in the same freaking breath he'll see a girl from across the street and run to catch up with her? Yeahhhhh because that's what a prince would do, right? A self-sufficient, non-needy prince of the land would go way out of his way, sprint up the street to catch up with a common girl. How the hell do you do that and not give all your power away. I mean, according to theory you have to go from that sprint down the street, catch up with the girl, and then go "Oh, but I don't need you and I'm acting aloof". Are you fucking kidding me.

Have any of you seen the movie Ex Machina? Remember when Nathan asks "What imperative does a grey box have to interact with another grey box?" By definition — again, as far as I can see — the only imperative we have for cold approaching is sex, and if you're flirting with the girl, escalating, and so forth during the set then she's going to know that. So the schizophrenic conundrum for me is how to approach but not give all my power away. She didn't approach you to talk, you approached her. Why? Who has more power in that case? More value?

The only two solutions I've come up with (and when I say solution, I mean a mental model to help cope):

  1. Again, in Manson's book Models, he talks about this problem and essentially says that there is no solution. However, that the vulnerability that comes as a product of this problem is a solution itself. That putting yourself into this kind of vulnerable situation but being man enough to show that you're not bothered by it demonstrates so much value that it's massively attractive to women.
  2. My own personal model is that approaching women should be seen as a necessary "opening gambit". In chess, a gambit is a move that is purposely made, which puts you at a temporary disadvantage, if only for a moment, which allows you to then gain a strategic advantage. The approach, in my mind, puts you at a severe disadvantage in terms of the power dynamic between you in the girl. However, if she's willing to talk to you, it gives you the chance to attract her.

Notice both of these concede that indeed power is lost on the approach.

It seems to me that guys are at a severe disadvantage on the sexual market. We have to make alllll the moves and take alllll the risk. Women get to sit back, get approached, and judge whether they want to be led or not. For anyone who disagrees, honestly, which side would you rather be on. If we were the ones getting approached it would take care of 80% of the problem of getting laid. It's unfair but this is the reality and I understand that.

Therefore men have had to create perform these mental gymnastics and create these mental models, like the prince thing, to square away why approaching isn't needy. This is the missing piece of the puzzle for me personally in my own game.

tl;dr = What is your frame, or mental model, for approaching while preserving your power as much as possible?