When a woman thinks a man charming, she looks at him in a specific way. It’s the look of being mesmerized, without understanding why. “There’s just something about him…” That’s what she will tell her girlfriends.

1. The Charmer Speaks First

The Charmer makes people feel instantly at ease. This is accomplished by speaking first. By opening-up about his feelings and opinions about any random topic. Opening-up unprompted. This is a critical distinction. Many men think they need to wait for a question before they can start opening-up. After all, if she doesn’t ask a question, what is there to open-up about? This is one of the fundamental limiting beliefs which causes many men to find starting conversation difficult.

The Charmer knows that the solution is just to “assume a question.” Basically start talking as if a question had been asked. The topic (i.e. what the Charmer opens-up about) is irrelevant. It can be anything. What matters is that he puts the spotlight on himself first, allowing her to relax:

“Hey, I love that blouse. It would look even better with sand all over it from riding the dunes. You ever been out to the dunes? [without waiting for a reply] You know I was out at the dunes last weekend. It was hysterical. So this guy….” And now the Charmer goes into a 2 minute story about some adventure riding the dunes recently.

Did she ask any questions? No. The Charmer just started talking. He started opening-up unprompted. Because she’s not suddenly being hit with a barrage of questions (because the spotlight is not on her), she can relax and fewer auto-defenses will go up. When people listen to stories, their rational mind becomes quiet. She gets comfortable and lost in the story at the same time. This makes her instantly more comfortable with the Charmer, as if she’s known him for way longer than she actually has.

Once she’s comfortable and feels like she “knows him”, she’s much more likely to reciprocate and start revealing things about herself (this is true for anybody, not just women). And being comfortable with a person often means simply knowing things about them – which the Charmer took it upon himself to start revealing.

2. The Charmer Transitions the Conversation to Her

The Charmer makes people feel great about themselves. It’s done indirectly, covertly, without the charmed fully realizing what’s happening. People love to talk about themselves. When the Charmer starts talking about her, she can listen for hours. When she starts talking about herself, she can talk for hours.

The Charmer must make a woman feel good about herself in a way that’s different from other men. Most men try to make her feel good by complimenting her looks. Because this occurs often, it’s no longer charming. Therefore, the Charmer must identify things (not related to her looks) that will make her feel good about herself. What he’s looking for is very specific. It’s insecurities, unfulfilled desires, needs, wants and dreams. He’s listening for the things which she finds desirable, but are currently lacking in her life. Things other men (or anyone) may have dismissed, ignored or left unidentified.

To identify these things, the charmer must ask probing questions. For example, once the story of “the dunes” is complete, the topic can immediately be expanded into anything related to adrenaline-type activities: surfing, sky diving, bungee jumping, water skiing, rock climbing and so on.

In this example, the Charmer’s goal is to identify her desire for, and experience with, these types of activities. The ideal scenario is that such activities are desirable, but she has minimal (if any) experience. Perhaps she’s just never had the opportunity. Perhaps she’s scared of heights or speeds. Perhaps she’s “heard bad things” about them. Whatever the case may be, the Charmer probes for these unfulfilled desires, while continuing to share his personal experiences, as necessary, as the catalyst for her to reveal more.

3. The Charmer Retracts & Listens

Retracting means physically and verbally. To physically retract the Charmer literally leans back. This occurs when standing or sitting. He moves his upper body away (creating more distance between her and himself) when listening. This is a body position “pull.” When he speaks, he leans slightly in (creating less distance). This is a body position “push.”

The Charmer knows that attractive men are confident and mysterious. These qualities are demonstrated verbally by speaking less and letting her speak more. This applies at all times, with the one exception of Speaking First. At the beginning, the amount of talking is irrelevant. The only goal is to make her comfortable (which requires unprompted talking so she can quickly become “familiar” with him). Once that goal is reached (i.e. once she is comfortable – which is demonstrated by her starting to talk and opening-up), the Charmer reverts to speaking less and focusing the topic on her.

Now the Charmer is listening closely for those insecurities and unfulfilled needs. All women have insecurities. Hers may have nothing to do with adrenaline-inducing activities and thus (in this example) the Charmer must probe in a different direction. Perhaps she’s beautiful, but she’s up for a promotion at work and doesn’t think she’ll get it. Perhaps she’s gorgeous, but there’s a mid-term exam coming up next week and she feels unprepared. Perhaps men compliment her looks regularly, but they don’t take her seriously when it comes to work, school, sports, leadership, life aspirations or a million other possibilities.

4. The Charmer Flatters Insecurities & Makes Her the Superstar

Once some insecurities and unfulfilled desires have been identified, the Charmer starts his subtle flattery. His goal is to “build her up,” “make her excited” and “experience a sense of confidence” related to things with which she is generally insecure. This is done indirectly. For example, the Charmer does not say: “I think you would love bungee jumping” or “I think you would do a fantastic job if you get promoted to the new role.” That’s too direct. Flattery is at it’s most powerful when it’s implied rather than stated.

To accomplish this, the Charmer describes the scenario in a positive, exciting way, with her as the protagonist who relishes in every moment. For example, with the bungee jump, he describes the feelings of the wind coursing through her hair, the secure tug of the cord, the freedom, excitement and exhilaration. The support of nearby friends. The smile on her face. The sense of accomplishment. He creates a scenario that implies the pleasure she will feel without ever directly stating it. He causes her mind to associate (1) herself and (2) positive emotions with (3) a situation with which she has been historically insecure.

Charm is an emotional drug. The charmed experience a sense of excitement and pleasure in a way (or about a topic) that was previously neglected by others. Those positive feelings can be desirable to the point of becoming addictive. When the Charmer is at his best, he can make her feel on top of the world.

5. The Charmer Retracts Again

Like all drugs, the true power of Charm is revealed when it’s taken away. When his methods are consistently applied, the Charmer becomes a source of positive, exciting and pleasurable emotions for her. Being around him becomes addicting. After all, “there’s just something about him.” When those emotions are taken away the charmed will feel a certain emptiness. A void. As if something they can’t quite identify is missing. If the feelings the Charmer has created are strong enough, the charmed will do anything to get those feelings back.

Accomplishing these repeated retractions is simple. It can be done both physically and verbally. A physical retraction is the Charmer simply going away. He’s got other things to do. The Charmer knows that women are captivated by men who have lots of things going on in their lives. Men who have a lot going for them. Men who don’t consider her to be the main focus of their lives. Because of this, the Charmer will naturally “go away.” He’s busy. The time available for her to receive his positive emotions is limited. It’s a scarce resource which she will long to receive.

A verbal retraction is simply changing the subject. At the moment she’s on top of the world, the Charmer changes the subject to something not about her. If in a group, perhaps he turns to someone else and suddenly involves them in the conversation. It’s like constantly delaying an orgasm. The Charmer brings her to the edge, and then takes the feelings away. When done correctly, her attraction toward him will spike with every withdrawal and her focus will become all about getting his attention back.

The remainder of this article, including the Charmer’s Gaze and the Charmer’s Network, is here.