Im gonna apologize ahead of time for the word vomit. theres a lot to how I came to my conclusion and honestly it barely makes sense to me. Its mostly a rant about my own issues and how ive come to realize ive been screwing myself.

So a bit of backstory to myself, im in my late 20s, in college (had dropped out), id say below average looking but I usually get told otherwise though I never believe my friends when they say that, never been on a date, literally zero success with women. I did have a fwb ages ago. so as you can imagine im not exactly confident. Ive no issues talking with women, but ive never felt like they were attracted to me. I started working on making more solid eye contact in interactions recently. eye contact is something that I generally dont do, ill mostly look close to someones eyes but not at them. obviously it was a bit of a disaster at first, but now im actually starting to be able to use it as a positive. idk where this tangent is coming from but I still feel its important to my story.

Well this week made me realize just how much my personal BS has been letting me down. Been talking for a bit with one girl, as usual I keep arguing myself wether shes interested in me or is just friendly. especially confusing since she often messages me first. I also made the switch from tinder/bumble to hinge. got some matches, nice ego stroke, I decided Wednesday to go out to my fav bar and hang out with friends. As the night is ending I hear a girl shout my name, I turn to see one of my classmates running towards me. Ive been wanting to ask her out for a while but like I said i was on my usual BS. coming back to the eye contact, im obviously pretty insecure, were in a class group together and I had decided that I should practice my eye contact with her cause hey I think shes cute. I tried to keep it as a way of flirting without using verbal language. So we start talking at the bar, introduce our friends to each other, bring up how we havent seen each other here if we love this place so much. long story short I end up asking her to see a movie with me since we both wanted to see it pretty bad. we made tentative plans but will finalize next class. I think to myself wow, I got major lucky there. sure its nothing for 99% of people but with my background im just amazed.

Thursday I go with some friends to a club, we drink and have fun but they work the next day so we leave. I stop by this bar again. hang out with other friends, we go to someones house. end up talking to another girl and playing pong with her. im just being friendly, still on my BS, she starts taking selfies with me that get progressively dirtier. A situation pops up so I leave her to help resolve this. mood is kinda done in this place so we say goodbye and leave. I see her Friday at eh same bar, were both with separate groups of friends so we talked for a bit and split. They leave, she stops to say bye and goes. like 2 hours later shes back and pretty much looks for me. we drink, have fun, I hear about an after party and we make plans to go. I notice around this time that shes too drunk. I drop her off at her friends and go to the party. I meet up with another girl who I was trying a while ago. we hang out together at the party, she drives me home cause her friends are leaving. We talk for a bit and as I say bye and go to get out of her car she stops me and asks if I think shes cute. it literally took me to this point to realize I did have a chance with her. I also realize im pretty fucking drunk too and will either embarrass myself or just ruin any chance with her if I try anything right now. so we talk for a little more and let her on her way.

So why did I write all of this crap? because this is what its taken me to realize how massive my fuck up has been. these are all girls who I find very attractive. and I have been shooting myself in the foot because of my own thoughts of myself. My lack of knowing how to tell if someones attracted to me, to show that I am attracted to them, and to make a move on them. Its not been about showing confidence, its been about not acting on it. I dont have a gameplan on how I will fix this yet, but atleast its nice to finally start feeling that ive been messing up and not just been too weird or ugly all this time. there was also alot of minor things which i didnt add where i got the same vibe of i could have made something happen if i had atleast tried but they did not have the same depth to mention.