I've written this for myself, but I think the majority of people here - first time visitors or not - could do with maybe considering these things while they await the lifting of restrictions and pandemic dating pause to slowly fade.

3 Things to Work on

1) Confidence...

...is not about believing success is inevitable with this one person/interaction. It’s about believing that with putting in the work, effort, time and patience, success is possible overall. How do you build it? By taking action, exposing yourself and getting the experience with people. And not just people you want to date or have sex with. It can be anyone from the cute barista to the SkiptheDishes driver.

2) Clothes...

...are your message to the world about who you are as a person. As much as judgement can be a bitch, first impressions and stand outs in our appearance either turn people towards or away from us. You don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars and go for the finest (unless you’re really inclined). You just need to be aware of what you’re wearing and how you present yourselves. I recommend reading Mark Manson’s Models - there’s a great chapter on this one (if you have, you might wanna read it again - just as a refresher on fashion and style).

3) Communication...

...is vital. Not just verbally, but non-verbally. Pay attention to the potential messages you’re sending subtly or not sending. Eye contact, facial and body expressions. Focus on making people feel welcome, validated, paid attention to and that what they’re saying or expressing matters to you. What are they doing while you’re talking with them? What are you doing while talking to them - and is it the right signal to be sending? No woman fumbling through her phone while you talk can be a sign of proper connection in conversation.

4 Things to Remember

1) “What does a relationship, one night stand, etc...with this person mean to you and why?”

This one is a BIG WHY question: As humans we’re pattern seeking creatures and thus seeking meaning in those patterns. On the one hand I’m a red blooded horny male like most other men. But all the sex that other people have that I didn’t? That wasn’t the issue - it’s the attachment value I gave it that fucked me up. Specifically, the idea that having more sex or relationships is going to make you somehow a social guru or the most popular person and all your problems and loneliness from high school or college will be magically reversed. Spoiler alert: It won’t. You know what it means when someone has had sex with 200 people? Just that - they’ve slept with 200 people. That’s really it. Numbers mean jack when it comes to communication, pleasuring a partner or intimacy. They could mean the exact opposite (i.e, indication of a poor lover in the bedroom).

So if you’re going for a relationship or hooking up with someone just to feel better about yourself, you’re not exactly doing yourself any favors. At best you’re trying to numb any emotional pain, and at worst you’re using another human being as a physical band-aid for your emotions without them knowing. And with that in mind...

2) “Separate your human value from your success with women.”

Setting yourself up for validation based on how many women you’ve dated or slept with is -I think - all too pervasive in society. Watch “Liberated” on Netflix and you’ll see how lots of men are putting their worth on the altar of hookup culture. This is the sole reason so-called “incels,” “average frustrated chumps” or virgins who’ve had little to no romantic experience feel depressed, less-than-masculine and frustrated. It’s not the sex that’s the problem - it’s what you’re attaching it to that matters.

Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield is beyond a doubt successful as an RCAF Pilot, Colonel, Engineer and Astronaut aboard the Space Shuttle and the International Space Station. But there’s an interesting quote in his autobiography, An Astronaut’s Guide to Life On Earth, that connects his value as a person not to the outcome, but to something more noteworthy: “I knew it was pretty silly to hang my sense of self worth on it...but I should do things that keep moving me in that direction, just in case - and I should be sure those things interest me, so that whatever happens, I’m happy.”

The reward wasn’t only the outcome - it was the process and the value he held towards the interest. Of course, you might fail miserably and not get what you want (and astronautics and dating aren’t exactly in the same camp). But this doesn’t mean you’re a failure. If you can move from setback to setback with renewed energy and focus, you’re actually growing and keeping on target with your interests and values. That's the only thing that matters more than failure - what you take away from it and what you do next.

And that kind of happiness brings me to the next item:

3) “Focus on the relationship within yourself first.”

Spending time alone doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It can mean many things - but if there’s one thing it should mean might mean is that your relationship with yourself - understanding who you are, what your values, goals and interests/passions are - is crucial. If you can’t know yourself to a certain degree, it won’t be easy to discover if s/he’s right for you.

Now you don’t have to go to therapy, analyze to death or list every single thing about yourself to share. But by peering into your identity and crafting it for your betterment and others you can find a better and more firm stance on who you are and what you’re looking for - your needs (musts) and wants (likes). They’ll change and that’s okay. It’s part of being human and growing.

4) Being Nice is not the same as Being Good

Being nice is the basic and bare minimum of being a decent and amicable human being. It doesn’t mean people should be jumping for joy at you or her panties should be dropping like depth charges (forgive the analogy - working on better ones!). Being nice is about just being decent.

Being Good, on the other hand, is about adding spice to character traits, passion and putting out there for the other person - and knowing when to pull back for your self respect. DrNerdLove (Harris O’Malley) mentions in one of his videos that you want to be a little similar to Han Solo with a "creamy bastard center." somewhere inside you. You can still be a gentleman with gusto and an identity and personality that says "fuck it" to things that matter and "fuck you" to the people who won't get you.

Just don't be a dick about it.

This all might come across as repetitive but it's the reminders that we live by that move us from one step to the next on our journeys - no matter what we're pursuing.

Let me know in the comments what you think.