Hello all,

I wanted to keep this kinda short and to the point, but it ended up being rather long. It's a rant. I've had a rough couple of years as a man, and have had the quintessential disposable experience.

So 2 years ago I was sober for 5 years, working full time, and fighting about 2 thousand false allegations during a divorce - where my ex has everything, including our child, except the debt, of course. I was rocking fatherhood during the restrictive visits, and had even started going to school (and rocking it). Hell I was even going to church and volunteering.

So I got laid off just over a year ago, as I work seasonal. I had, during that year had some concerning but avoidable new health issues that I didn't really give much thought to. When I started staying at home more often, they started cropping up. Mysterious and concerning, but I was still healthy and functional most of the time.

Visit after visit to doctors and waiting for specialists revealed nothing interesting, and I always seemed to recover from whatever it was. Eventually I recieved a diagnosis that was based on nothing concrete, followed by another one. Niether had a treatment.

Following that, my ex decided to throw a slew of new allegations against me, and withhold the child completely. Fair enough, I had dealt with this before and continued to be polite and firm, setting healthy boundaries and being a self advocate. Since I held the debt and wasn't working, and trying to recover from mystery illnesses, fighting wasn't a viable option at the time.

Now those illnesses weren't getting better as frequently anymore, unless I left home. But I became more incapacitated by the day. Eventually I had figured out that something where I was living was causing it, or at the very least contributing heavily. I asked the rental company to take a look or change my unit. They lied and said they would. I tried to be patient and wait, but the symptoms, which only occured in my home, and nowhere else, ever, became scary.

I began reaching out to authority after authority with little luck. It was concerning, as I was losing the ability to leave the place. Again, I begged for relief and again I was gaslighted. I began coming up with theories backed by heavily researched papers for what may be occuring, totally being ok if I was wrong, just wanting them to do something.

I got so sick that I dropped out of school, despite having straight A's. It felt like I was poisoned.

I got so into survival mode I stopped playing my exes sadistic games for visitation.

I stopped caring what the cause was, just that I needed help. I asked friends and family, coworkers and authorities of every sort. And that wasn't easy.

I dragged my barely functioning ass to appointment after appointment, trying to communicate that something in my home was contributing massively to what I was experiencing. And I told them I might be wrong, but I felt like I was dying, and the symptoms had long since progressed to outward, obvious signs. My pet and child had experienced likewise, but I was the one that was largely compromised.

Blindness, seizures, convulsions, paralysis, and many other colorful symptoms. And I told them I was smelling things and experiencing weird things.

And you know what? Not a single person lifted a finger. 30 authorities set in place to help people In need, and every single goddam one called me nuts, or passed the buck. Family members even, and friends. It was truly horrifying to be called schizophrenic time and time again, even when demonstrating, with very visible proof, that something was wrong.

I had to drill it into my head, because it was making it difficult to ask for help, even, that next time this happens, suck up your pride, and call 911. So I did, and I explained, barely able to talk, that I think I need an ambulance. Guess who they sent? I'll give you a hint, it wasn't an ambulance, nor a fire truck.

And hell, I would have totally accepted that I was totally nuts if anyone had bothered to check anything. I would have accepted that all of my half assed half brained theories to why were wrong, if anyone had actually done anything.

The only reason I am still able to self advocate is because of my recovery from alcohol. I was able to see unhealthy patterns in people, I discovered the meaning of gaslighting, and I discovered the value of healthy boundaries. If I didn't know those things, I would have died. If I didn't develop a healthy knowledge of what was causing this crap, I would have died.

It's a very disconcerting experience to start to believe all the people saying your nuts, start to relax with that knowledge, only to have your lizard brain kick in screaming at you to get the fuck out because that's not air your breathing.

Like guys my body isn't working as it should in my home, that I pay you for. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I don't think I'm imagining that. Here's a very detailed list of possible reasons and solutions to why that may be occuring. Here's some video evidence that may suggest I may have a point. And no, I don't have a history of seeing things, nor of any of these symptoms, prior to being here. No, honestly I'm not depressed because of the divorce, this literally feels like it could kill me.

Hey medical advice line, I have all these symptoms, and they seem to only happen in the place I'm renting, I think this is why. Emergency? Well I could but my symptoms will have resolved by then.

Hey doctor, I'm fairly certain that something in my home is contributing to this crap, can you help me figure out what it is? No, not therapy, my home.

Hey rental company owner, I'm not trying to make a scene, I'm not trying to get anything, I am telling you, in great detail, my experience in this place is so very wrong, can you please fix this so I can get my ass back to work. I literally just want to nap and recover in a safe place for like 2 days and then give 'er.

Ya that hilariously enough got me a rent increase and eviction.

To have "crazy" be the first assumption of everyone when your literally begging for help is a goddam nightmare. Shouldn't that be the last assumption people make? I am so absolutely disgusted with society right now, and I can't help thinking, what would people have done if I wasn't a man?

And I despise being a victim, that was a part of me that I proudly lost long ago. Now I'm going, very likely, to be homeless, never see my child again, and may suffer permanent consequences from this, and I would absolutely adore for someone to tell me why.

I know why. It's not cause I'm crazy. It's because a man asking for help is inconvenient. It's not part of the narrative. It's because I am disposable, and that is absolutely unacceptable.

Edit: Just an amusing update. So I started having full body spasms, blindness, losing consciousness and the rest of the messed up crap yesterday, yet again, but worse this time. I was scared, so I called 911, again.

Now I am not going to share the rest of this, except this: guys, if you ever have terrifying symptoms that potentially resolve when your not home, do not ever, EVER go to emergency.

Jesus fucking Christ.