COMPLAINING: Men v. Women in Scripture

Women complaining is a fact of life. Men too. But the response is different. For a man, your job is to figure out how to lead through the problem. Getting caught up in frustration at what other people are doing is the fastest way to lose frame and derail your leadership of the home.

Philippians 2:14 is clear on this: "Do everything without complaining or arguing." Sure, we could reasonably interpret this verse to apply to women too, but the expectations are going to be reasonably different. With a man, it's like God talking to a friend. You can be blunt: "Stop whining and move on." It reminds me of God telling Moses: "Why do you cry to me? Tell the Israelites to move on." Not surprisingly, this is not a spousal-like interaction between God and Moses; it's characterized in Exodus 33:11, "The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend." We see a similar pattern of "stop your grumbling and just do what I say" when Jesus interacts with his disciples over complaints or whiny requests.

But when we look at Christ's interactions with his bride (the Church-corporate) we see a different response:

  • Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you ~ 1 Peter 5:7
  • Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. ~ Psalm 62:8 (in fact, many of the Psalms are David complaining about other people to God)
  • Is anyone among you troubled? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise." ~James 5:13

Why does the bridal context seem to get a pass? Possibly the whole weaker-vessel thing, the same way that between men and Christ, we're the weaker vessel. Point being: when it's to a BRIDE (i.e. the Church/whole community), the implication is that it's appropriate to bring our worries, concerns, frustrations, complaints, etc. to our groom. Outside of that marital context, your male FRIENDS are best to be direct and tell you to "stop crying and move on."

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HOW TO HANDLE IT

In light of the above, I expect women are going to complain to their husbands the same way Israel complained to God or Jesus' followers complained and grumbled at him. It's a fact of life. You have two primary options for responding:

  • Pretend your wife is like a friend/man and tell her to get over it.
  • Acknowledge she's a bride/woman and treat it like a comfort test.
    • "Oh, that sucks. Must be hard. I can't believe that happened. I still love you. I'm here for you. I can lead you through this."

What are the most common passages cited when Christians are frustrated/struggling and complain about it?

  • "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want"
  • "The peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
  • "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
  • "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
  • "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."
  • "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."
  • "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail."

See the pattern? Yeah, God passes our comfort tests by showing compassion for us in the midst of the problem, but refocusing us on HIS strength and HIS love for us and HIS leadership. That's how you pass a comfort test - show compassion for the issue and refocus her on your strength, love, and leadership rather than her perceived problem.

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IN THE REAL WORLD

My wife doesn't complain nearly as much these days as she used to. That's great. But it still happens, and I'd be concerned if it didn't. Why has it reduced? Probably because after she quit her job she's not around people in stressful contexts nearly as much. But when it does happen, instead of the annoying coworker or unreasonable boss, now it's the pushy soccer mom or the kid who treated our kid unfairly.

My gut always wants to tell her, "Nothing you can do about it. Get over it." But that's not reasonable. She's not a man and I shouldn't treat her like one. A concept that took me a while to grasp was when one of the MRP guys told me, "Women are like a steam engine. You can't stop the pressure from building. The best thing to do is to give it room to vent, and do so in ways that makes the engine work for you instead of blowing up in your face." Wow. What wise words! In fact, as part of Christ's bride, that's what I'm like when I get passionate about ministry - I've been told a few times I'm like a firehose and that I need God (or some spiritual leader) to hold me and point me in the right direction, otherwise I just end up making everything a wet mess.

When you tell a wife to "get over it" you're reinforcing the world's agenda of turning women into men (i.e. the companion agenda of turning men into women). Often-times the actual subject matter isn't actually the problem, which is why "fixing it" is rarely the solution (cue the "It's not about the nail" video). Women need to feel things. If she didn't have something to get worked up over: (a) she'd have no context to experience your strength, love, and leadership, and (b) she'd get bored, which leads to depression. This is one of the major problems with the modern world masculinizing women: undercutting their emotional expression stifles them, leading to blah-ness or feelings of failure/worthlessness when they aren't able to hold it in ... ergo, depression, anxiety, and a host of other problems many women today struggle with.

When women complain, it creates a context that elicits your ability to show her your strength, love, and leadership.

  • If you don't show these things (i.e. you fail the comfort test), her emotions come from the complaint itself and are predominantly negative.
  • If you do show these things (i.e. you pass the comfort test), her emotions come from your strength, love, and leadership and help you bond.

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CONCLUSION

Instead of expecting your wife to hold it all in, let her cast her anxieties, frustrations, complaints, etc. on you the same way Christ lets you do for him. Does that mean you fail to set boundaries when it goes too far? No. Obviously the whole point is to give you a chance to demonstrate leadership, not door-mat-ship. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to control her emotions. Let her have them, but make them work for you instead of against you.