I just need to get this out, I hope it helps as much as I want and need it to. 11 years ago my first son was born, 16 weeks premature. I got 7 days with him and then I had to make the decision to tell the doctors to stop trying to save him.
I laid my first son in the ground.

Two months ago I finally accepted that I can't save my wife and I have to end our marriage.

I love her, well, I fell in love with somebody but I don't know if that somebody is who I've been living with. I fell in love with somebody and the thought of divorcing her is excruciating. But I don't know if she even exists as a person or if she was just a show. I have finally come to terms with the fact that my wife has some mix of personality disorders, probably borderline with some narcissistic and possibly bipolar. We've been together for 27 years and I tried as hard as I could to make it work. In the beginning I thought it was anxiety and anger and something that we could eventually work through. Then the signs of the cheating started showing up, but nothing concrete, then I started to be able to see the lies and gaslighting and manipulation. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I owed that to her. I don't know who I spent the last 27 years with.
Just over a month ago, I got to see the girl that I was dating and fell in love with 27 years ago.
I haven't seen that girl in almost 27 years. It was her, just like then, she talked the same, she touched me the same, she kissed me the same playful way, it was like she hadn't aged a day, and I got to spend a few minutes just being back there with her and feeling exactly like I remember it being back then. An hour later that girl was gone and whoever replaced her was back. I am doing preliminary disclosures and in the course of that I am remembering everything that we got together as we built our marriage, our home and our family.
It hurts. It makes me angry. But I also miss her.

Our second son is alive and well with us and I need to be here for him.
He loves his mom and wants to spend time with her. He wishes we could all be back together. I want him to be able to spend time with her. But I have to wonder if he is safe with his mother.
She still hasn't accepted that I am truly done and still thinks she can save our marriage.
Sooner or later it's going to hit. All I can do is hope that my son isn't with her when it does because I don't know what she's going to do.

Thanks for listening.