Today I was feeling nostalgic and looking through some old photos. While there were a lot of happy memories, I found some screenshots of something that took me to a really dark place. I’ve realised I’m still not fully over it.

About 6 years ago I had a falling out with a friend who I’ll call L. She happened to be friends with someone that I started dating at the time (let’s call her E), and at that point she decided she wanted nothing to do with me.

Months later I discovered that she had told mutual friends of ours, including my ex-girlfriend E and a separate friend “B” that I was a “player” (even though E was only the second women I had ever been with), that I had a problem with gay people due to traditional views (what), that I have no respect for women and/or personal space and that I had put my hand lower on her waist than comfortable. She said I had “done the same to other girls”. Especially at the time, I was pretty scared of women and definitely not confident enough to touch a bunch of random women. I honestly don’t think that I ever touched L in a way that would have made her feel uncomfortable, but if I did it really wasn’t my intention).

When I confronted her about the things she said (without being specific of what she had said to others about me) and apologised if I ever did anything which made her upset, she said that basically I had gone too far when talking about her dad (believe she was having some problems at home from memory) and that’s why she had a problem with me. She did not acknowledge any of the things she had said to other people but which weighed on my mind and reputation heavily.

I kind of let it slide at the time partially because E said I shouldn’t make such a big deal of it. But actually it really hurt me and it was the first time my trust had properly been burned. I was raised by a penniless single mother and 5 aunties, so it really deeply hurts that anyone would accuse me of being disrespectful to women. It was not a nuclear family, and there is not a modicum of religion in my upbringing or in my beliefs that would mean I have traditional values that juxtapose those of gay people. I believe you should be able to love whoever you love. These aren’t values that have developed or changed over the last 6 years - they’re all I remember as part of my identity.

L eventually backtracked and tried to be friends through the next 2 years while I was in a relationship with E, but I never really fully recovered. We haven’t communicated since E and I broke up.

It hurts because it goes to the very core of my identity. And it still hurts just as much now - I just pushed it to the back of my mind.

How do I move past something like this, which friends say is trivial and in the past but I can’t help but feeling upset about?