I'm an only child, grew up as a loner in rather sheltered, secluded environment, no close cousin or other family friend, mom and dad busy at work, substituted love with material goods, now I'm in my mid 30s, when they visit once in a while they still bring gifts for me which I don't need. I now live in an inherited two bedroom apartment in a good section of the city with no rent or mortgage, working a low-stress, repetitive job of online work platform management with almost zero face to face interaction, and the commuting only takes about 30 minutes on bike; I've got what's equivalent to at least 100k US dollar saving and at least 1 million to inherit from my parents, plus life insurance policies and other assets, so I have financial security, no fear of losing my livelihood. I'm in relatively good shape, no substance abuse or other health issues. I spent most of my time binging on movies and tv shows, reading books and doing chores, everyday is pretty much a groundhog day.

Despite all this, I come to this sub as I'm lonely, chronically and habitually. Most of my youthful years were kind of wasted on porn and video games, never dated with any woman, and honestly, I don't remember if I've ever personally met one. Social isolation only begets more social isolation, now I think I must've lost basic communication skill and the desire to communicate. I've also developed social anxiety, since the COVID lockdown, the only face to face interaction is with my parents at their visits, as mentioned above, and even then I find it uncomfortable and nervous, as I'm afraid of their probing questions and negative remarks. Overall, I'm not depressed, crazy or nihilistic, I just feel numb and listless. I'm turned into a cold, stoic robot, I don't even know when the last time I laughed, cried or burst out in anger.

This languish leads me to Lord Jesus, my only source of solace, joy and forgiveness, which is really inevitable since there's nobody else to turn to. In my silent prayer and meditation, I wonder why I am what I am today. Although "it is not good that man should be alone", Adam didn't ask God for a mate like the monster asked Dr. Frankenstein, God determined it was not good and made Eve for him, Eve was God's gift. But where's my Eve? Why didn't God create an Eve for me out of my rib? For now I've come to the conclusion - God doesn't give me more than what I can handle. I can handle my apartment, my job, my parents, my stuffs, my cat - an American shorthair silver tabby, my only companion which appeared several years ago at my doorstep, a gift from God, no doubt, but I can't handle a woman. I have a life worth living, but I don't have a life worth sharing, and certainly not a life worth multiplying. God has already blessed me with undeserved affluence in a horrible economy which would make most of my peers envy with green, I'm not entitled to a woman. .

I have to admit that though I live in peace, contentment and gratitude, a primitive part of me still longs for intimacy and connection, while a rational part of me hits me with the harsh reality that it's not for me. Women are biologically hypergamous, they're born with limited eggs compared to men's unlimited sperms, and they're vulnerable during and after pregnancy, by design they have to adopt a quality over quantity mating strategy, I can't compete with the chads with my emotional unavailability and low self-esteem, and people in my country don't generally trust strangers anyway. In the bible, men who disregarded God's arrangement and pursued women on their own initiative ended up badly, either in endless domestic strife or full blown idolatry. Paul also warned not be "unequally yoked" by hooking up with an ungoldly partner, it seems celibacy is my fate, and that's actually a gift, as Jesus taught - "All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”(Matt. 19:11-12)