I know I am speaking to the choir, but I had to create this account to speak some RP truths. I cannot believe how long I've lied to myself for such a long time. Some of us have experienced the anxiety and pain of unplugging. Hopefully newcomers swallow it; the faster the better.

I grew up fat and pacified also I did not have many friends. The blue pill mentality was my existence, I was raised by my mother to adhere to virtues of women and I praised them on the damn pedestal. During my HS days I had severe oneitis and starting to really feel the pain of being the sexual reject.

I had to do what I had to do; I lost weight and got fit. Nothing crazy, but I had some decent muscle mass. My face has always been attractive, but being 60 lbs overweight will get you nowhere. My confidence grew and I started to having some success with women, but that was really short lived. The reason being that I was originally a reject and now I was being thrown from the abyss of not even being a prospect into a possible candidaye. I never really had any experiences prior and the market of the Red Pill was never really a concept to me. I always new game and stuff of that subject, but I did not know how bad it really was. My perception was still blue pill and I had to pay for it. Let me just say that the group of friends that I've hung out with for the past 8 years of my life (I'm currently 22) mostly exhibit alpha traits, they are athletic, and they are intelligent. These guys have experience that I've been jealous for an extremely long time. There are also friends I guess you can say betas, but still good looking and smart. Not to my surprise they have been getting overall more beta because of their mentality of hedonistic comfort. I have always been the odd man out of the group. I do not enjoy a lot of things that they partake in, but we have trust which is a great quality to look for in friends.

The past 4 years have been the best and worst years of my life. I've met new people and I've found my passion in life, but sexuality is not a part of it. I've tried so hard on self improving and using that as fuel to expand my mind and perception, but for some reason it has not come yet and everyday I'm leaning more and more to MGTOW. I honestly wouldve never thought it could happen to a guy like me. At least my blue pill self thought I couldve been a provider type and succeed through those means. I'm always surrounded by parties at this point in my life and I just feel empty on the inside.

My breaking point was last year during a friends birthday party and he had his girlfriend and her friends come to the hotel room that we were staying at. I've met some of them before and I thought I might have had a chance with this one HB 7.5 and she seemed like she was easy going. I've also flirted with her previously. One of my friends who has had the most success with women took her and plowed the fuck out of her that night. At the club where the birthday was at, all the girls that my friends girlfriend was with were grinding on all of my friends. And I even overheard a possible 3 way shit. My heart sunk and I was so drunk and belligerent that I couldn't really mentally process the flood of emotions that I was experiencing. Then all of a sudden I had a neurotic episode and felt this type of pain I could never begin to explain. Some of you probably experienced the same thing. Thats the thing though, ive experienced situations like this countless times before, but somehow I just broke spiritually. I received snapchats later that night of my friend plowing that chick ive tried to pursue the past month. I knew I shouldn't have opened the snap. It's not that I did not fear the rejection, but its the lack of results of whatever I do which is frustrating. The episode I had was just building up over the course of years of being in the same situation time and time again. If it wasn't for the constant success I always see around me then maybe I wouldve been more ignorant and live with blue pill lenses

It's been a year since that incident and I still haven't felt the same since then. I'm still in similar situations, but I gain no intrinsic benefit anymore. Ive lately been trying to break off from them because of ideological differences, but the crab bucket mentality applies to many different dynamics of friendship. The social events I attend and the relationships I maintain are purely for professional reasons. The feelings and empathy that I once have in extreme abundance are gone and my expressions are mostly stoic besides the occasional loss of frame. I just don't know what to do anymore. This is one of the best communities that I've lurked on and when I discovered and read The Rationale Male it really made me face that economics behind hypergamy and desire. I really can't see myself getting optimistic about social events and I'm only 22. I've been part of so much, but experienced such little. The anger/bitterness has finally subsided, but the depression is in full swing. You guys are a great community that the real world can never offer and for that I'm grateful.

Sorry if I've went off on a million tangents.. It's 3AM and I'm on mobile.