(Can’t change ! to a ?)

TL:DR: Flustered and caught in habit of caring when in contact but haaaave to distance somehow and think clearly, hard to do.

So it’s going to start goin’ down in a more ‘real way’ soon. Tough decisions, loss of future, financial struggle, lesser choice of direction, the whole nine.

We’ve had a rough couple years, my stuff and hers. I’m glad to face my shit. She’s super guarded, angry, wishes she didn’t have to meet me anywhere near half way. Im being open and a tad too cordial. I only kind of have one lane, which is a shame, when it comes to this business. When I can mirror or don’t become emotional, it’s like she seethes.

I don’t like it. Feels wrong. Be against the person I thouuuught was my partner for years to come. I can’t help it…. because 20 years and 2 kiddos together, I’m programmed.

I’m a lot better than I was a few months ago, jeeeezus, thank goodness for that, but get caught often - choked up or stuck. Anyway it shows when interacting with her, feel shakey and lose conscious thought. Ffs.

I know she’s not the same person, I know to breathe, I know nothing I say will be okay, I know i have to shift gears. But, whadya do when you haven’t yet and still have to have the necessary conversations? Say the things that are pertinent, true, and reasonable - believe me I weigh everything.

I don’t want to be cold, I can’t f’g do it. And can’t dissociate/give in easily because this is my future too. Can’t be a grey rock because it tightens her up, affects the tweens, and they keep arms length because I cause it. Fighting for time with them after never missing more than 3 days of their lives actually makes them stay further away. Have no choice though. Rock & a hard place.

Anyone find good tools or approaches that you felt did it for you? TIA