I've been married for over 20 years and have a couple of grown kids still living at home. My wife and I have grown emotionally distant with a dead bedroom for a long time, though we co-parent okay. I’m sick of stagnating, and I have reached a point where I want out of the marriage. I’m expecting a job offer that would involve moving out of state soon. I have told my wife that I want to move to the new city on my own for at least a few months to make sure I like the job before moving permanently, and she is fine with that.

My problem is that my wife has a lot of trouble with enotionally heavy conversations. In the past, even small, difficult conversations have caused her to spiral with lots of crying, shutting down completely, glaring at me, and passive aggressively making my life hell with guilt. I’m not trying to hurt her, but I am trying to protect myself from getting dragged into al storm that makes it harder for me to actually leave.

My current thought is to start emotionally detaching now, move for the job when the offer comes (likely in the next few weeks), and then call or message her after a few weeks of calmness apart to say I need a separation. Once that space is established for a bit, I would then tell her I want a divorce. I have found she hasnt missed me much on trips I've taken before, and she has actually been relieved by my absence then, so I'm hoping distance makes separation easier.

I know this might sound cold, and I don’t love doing it this way. I would rather have an adult conversation with her. But I also don’t see a scenario where I can pack my things and leave while she’s home every day without her having a meltdown that punishes and traps me.

So here’s my questions: Is it unethical or cruel to leave this way if the alternative is triggering a crisis that delays the inevitable? Has anyone else taken a “phased” approach to separation like this?