Surrendered Single Book Club: Chapters 20 - Epilogue. THE PRACTICALITIES: TIMELINES, ENGAGEMENT, and MARRIAGE.

Introducing my final post for the Surrendered Single Summer Book Club. I am running a little late so my apologies!

We’ll be wrapping by discussing topics in Chapter 20 – the Epilogue and this is where the rubber hits the road, where the meat hits the grill: What are the timelines and process for commitment, engagement and marriage. Please keep in mind this isn’t necessarily the RIGHT or ONLY way, this is the LAURA DOYLE way so take what works, and leave what doesn’t.

 

Chapter 20: Don’t Use Sex to Control the Relationship

Chapter 21: There’s Nothing to Fear But You’re Urge to Control Him

Chapter 22: Trust His Capabilities

Chapter 23: Express Your Hurt Without Making Demands

Chapter 24: Keep Your Life Even Though He’s in It

Chapter 25: Becoming Your Best Self Will Bring Out the Best in Him

Chapter 26: Make a Commitment Before You Move In

Chapter 27: Honor Your Desire to Be Married, But Never Make Ultimatums

Epilogue: The Miracles of Surrendering

 There is SO much good content in these chapters, it would be impossible to do them all justice, so what I want us to discuss today is Laura’s proposed process and timeline for marriage. It comes up time to time on RPW when the topic of timelines come up.

In Chapter 27, Laura outlines the process as follows:

  • Make it known by Month 3 that you want to be married (personally I would do this way earlier). Note that you are not telling your date that you want to be married “TO THEM,” you are sharing your life goals and visions for yourself and that includes building with a partner. You state it as a fact, you aren’t overly emotional about it or apologize for it.
  • After you do this – let it go. Don’t continue to ask him about marriage or if he’s going to marry you, state what you want for your life and keep enjoying dating.
  • By Month 6, if you are not engaged, you tell him that you enjoy being with him but to continue you need to be married. Six months is long enough to know. Note that you aren’t asking to immediately get married, you are asking for a commitment to a timeline you both agree to.
    • How do you have this conversation? You should choose a good time to have the conversation (at a relaxed, happy time and place), make no demands of him, and simply state what you want out of life as a fact calmly, admitting that you love him. And you have to be willing to follow through and walk away. Maybe he comes back, maybe he doesn’t, but you can’t bluff and just stay anyway and expect marriage to still come of it.
    • Don’t nag him about marriage for months and months before. This is only going to create a power struggle and men hate giving in to a power struggle. The key is to be calm and strongly state what YOU want, not what HE has to do. And if you get to month 5 and you have been nagging about marriage, let it go for at least a month before bringing up the topic again. Don’t make a mention of marriage, no passive aggressive comments, nothing. Give him the best relationship of his life for a month, THEN state your intentions.

When I first read this all, I was shocked. Surely in the modern dating world, men would think you were insane for suggesting such a thing! People date years before marriage these days and how do you even know by then if you want to marry him? Won’t you just scare all guys away? Isn’t this an ultimatum?

 My viewpoint is that there are a lot of variables in the above timeline. Age for one – the above will not work with a 22 year old man. I believe the above is more ideal for those or who are older, maybe 27 and beyond. Second is how the relationship has progressed. The above only works if you become exclusive fairly quickly and are spending a lot of time together. Obviously if you haven’t even had an exclusivity conversation but month 6, the above is not going to work. Similarly if you are casually dating, meeting up once every other week for example, it will be a no go. The above is for couples who are just that, an exclusive couple who have developed a solid dating routine and life together.

I also think the above only works if you have set yourself up to be seen as wife material. What I mean by this is that you have expressed from the beginning that you want marriage, family, etc. He sees you in this way and has expressed he is looking for the same things. This is not for a situationship situation or an on again off again boyfriend. You both have had many conversations about your shared goals and you already know these align. Now Laura says to not fret if the guy has already said he doesn’t want to be married, he may change his mind in the face of losing you. Not sure I agree with Laura on this one or that I’d want to marry someone who has expressed he doesn’t want it, but do agree that many men also change their minds in the face of finding a great woman (especially true at younger ages). I’d say feel it out case by case. Was he saying he doesn’t want to be married to just seem cool and have bravado or was he dead serious? Finally, I also think this is going to work best with religious men. Religious men in general try to do the moral thing, particularly around sex outside of marriage, and will be more likely to feel morally obligated to take action. This isn’t to say it won’t work on a secular man, but often they are not in as much of a rush and don’t have a religious support system who would think it wise or good to get engaged and married quickly.

Discussion:

  • What are your thoughts about this approach? Does this work in the modern dating climate?
  • How do you navigate this when you are with a highly sought after HVM who has many options?
  • Have you tried this and had it work? Did it fall apart?
  • Is Laura being unrealistic here or do you think she’s spot on?

Let’s debate!!