I was married 10 years, technically 11 by the time divorce was finalized in 2020, total relationship time over 12 years. No kids, no shared property beyond a car. At time of divorce I (m) was 40, she was 38. We were bohemians who took time to establish ourselves, both high income professionals by the time things concluded. I have had an incredibly difficult time getting over her. I am still working on healing. There are reasons why I have struggled with acceptance and letting go, including at times subconsciously not wanting to, but wow has it felt at times I just want to move on with my life and am still on the strugle bus. Those reasons are as follows, and in the interest of keeping this post succinct, I intend by listing them to also allow the reasons to tell a story of what happened. Best I can.

*Developmental and Mental Health, and Family Dysfunction Issues: I am autistic (formal psych testing-level diagnosis) with ADHD. I did not know this and was untreated, prior to her leaving. I also had severe PTSD. The only ways I knew to take care of myself prior to learning more depthfully post-separation, were hiking and marijuana. She is likely also autistic. Her father has it. She comes from a family in which everyone has very high intelligence and positions of power on the national and international levels. Both our respective fathers dealt with their issues in life with substances while maintaining careers and chaotic family lives, and both mothers were stifled by fathers and codependent (guess where we found ourselves as we approached 40 y/o?). Both my parents are autistic, and love in their own ways, but are clueless in many. I was a lost child. She was a lost child. We gave each other something we did not get elsewhere, and for years: unconditional acceptance and admiration. Love. It was beautiful. There was nothing like it for me. I had several relationships before and thought I had loved. Nope. I knew I had love, when sex didn't matter much and only came to matter when the connection faded and I feared its extinguishment. I later would find out I was her first real committed relationship - she had lied to me, and knowing her, it was because she thought she needed to. She was very insecure. So was I, but in different ways. Autism, it's complex.

*We were very close. For many years. We made some choices as a couple and me as an individual that put enormous strain on the relationship and were unwise from that standpoint, but we shared a vision of starting a family. We had a name picked out. We planned on one child. But, she did not want to have a kid after 5 years married as we first decided upon, then 6, and then convinced me to wait 10 years "like my sister did so we get to establish ourselves more."

I was indifferent to kids when we married, but came to want one deeply within a year. Something in my gut felt wrong, really wrong, when after 6 years married she said she wanted to wait more, and she had been pulling-away and hot/cold with me for 2 years at that time. - Something I did not understand at that time but I would much later trace back to something I said that caused her to flip a switch at the 5 year mark.

I got ANXIOUS from this, that switch and the hot/cold affection and engagement. I wanted so badly to be connected. But at the time, I understood little to nothing about what I was experiencing. In fact, it has taken me until recently to TRULY get it, as I only reconstructed what happened one piece at a time over the years, being in a constant state of distress and confusion. But back to the cold shoulder I was getting from her... I started recreating my own trauma of abandonment as a child by throwing myself into the outdoors, friends, and weed to cope, and stopped asking her to do things with me - I was sick of being rejected most of the time. Piling on the anxiety, I switched careers into something that is very challenging for an autistic person (involves a lot of interpersonal interaction), and starting over left me more insecure and with more anxiety.

*She went to...ready for it...therapy, starting two years before leaving me. Good for her in the sense she began to discover who she is and how she wants to be, and address her anxiety and depression that had been with her since childhood. Not good in the sense one of her therapist's specialties at the time (the therapist has re-marketed herself since that time), was helping women leave abusive relationships with narcissistic men.

*There are soooo many other factors. Including the fact I got severely physically ill in this time, with gran mal seizures and unexplained pancreatic issues. I was later diagnosed with autoimmune disease, but for years on and off I was in and out of the healthcare system, with multiple hospitalizations and at one point nearly losing my life. My anxiety and her withdrawal and hot/cold led me to become ever more so controlling and eventually emotionally abusive as I became consumed by fear. I broke-down several times pleading with her to engage with me and to start our family. I yelled and used names. This happened multiple times over the last year we were together, whereas I had always made it a point never to use names, swear at her. This may not sound like much, but I scared her and was crazy, I promise. I was losing my shit.

We were attempting to conceive for a few months in that last year, and searching for a property to purchase when we had an argument one week in the spring on a Monday. During that argument she told me she would be out by the end of the week. She had purchased a car (she did not drive the entire marriage despite me encouraging her) and rented an apartment. She moved at the end of that same week. She said, "I want to start a whole new life, and I probably want a divorce." She moved into her new place, ONE MILE DOWN THE STREET, where she still resides to this day.

What followed her leaving was the ultimate display of simping, the pick-me dance, falling on the sword you have ever seen. I cannot describe in words how deeply troubling, prolonged and repetitive it was. I would have been ashamed of myself, had I had any self-respect to begin with, and had I known what self-respect was. You see, back then, I could barely communicate enough to even write this out. And I REGRESSED, like only an autistic person can under duress.

Following the separation, I gave her space as people told me to, but when she said she did not know what she wanted and realized she still loved me, we began to spend time together. She said she wanted to date people but would let me know if she was going to sleep with someone. Turns out she meant that. I didn't believe her, held out four months, then snapped and slept with a female friend. Over the next 1.5 YEARS this hanging out would be on and off. Sometimes for weeks at a time, 1-3x weekly. As was the case in the marriage though, we never directly communicated and I just fawned, and waited for her to give the green light that never came. There was zero intimacy. Although she did flirt with me - and when she would I was so caught off guard, I would freeze up. Likewise, I would lose my ability to converse when we would attempt to talk - I would get so overwhelmed the thoughts would swirl and words would not come out, as the narratives she wrote and rewrote about everything, EVERYTHING, came pouring out. It was a slaughter. On top of it, she and her mother, who I was close to, along with her therapist, decided I was a real-live NARCISSIST. I took that and everything else she said straight to heart. Truly believed it. I LOST MY MIND for 3+ years. I was manic, while also working on myself. When we had any contact, I was nutso, and she moved on. Ceased contact.

Those first three years I struggled with thoughts of suicide most days. Kept a loaded gun nearby most of the time waiting for the right moment. I spent literally near-all my free time when not self-caring, researching narcissism and claiming to be one in my weekly therapy sessions and to my friends. I worked on myself in every possible way I could think of, and only recently backed-off that, realizing I am in fact, ok as I am. But I did: 5+ years weekly therapy; got on medication for ADHD and found something to help with the overstimulation of autism, and was on an antidepressant for years; Groups including Divorce Care, Adult Children of Alcoholics and worked the steps, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Autism Support Groups; sought connection and help of friends/expanded my circle and found my people; read countless books, including Why He Does That to address having become an asshole; journaled; worked-out (I'm in great shape for my age and someone with a serious health issue); meditated, traveled, did mushrooms, threw myself into hobbies, found church again. All the stuff. I journeyed. I did the motherfucking work.

I've not been able to let myself truly love and be loved again. I've dated and had a girlfriend, but she had her own issues. I really struggle to know safe women. I do not trust a lot of people, still - something I can attribute to an early lifetime of bullying and a lifelong feeling of being different. I feel closer automatically to other neurodivergent people, especially autists. I'm otherwise secure in myself, but I find very few women I can BOTH relate to and feel safe with and see a sustainable connection as possible. The girlfriend I had was great in many respects, but she had a fatal flaw: setting herself afire to warm others, to the point of neglecting the relationship and herself.

I still pine for my ex sometimes, I hate to admit it. We never really got to talk things out. She was the love of my life. I know she loved me. Looking back, she really wanted things to work out, at least at first. But I was so scared and overwhelmed and clinging, and we were both so clueless. I have no social media presence beyond browsing reddit, but from what I hear, she really struggles. It's sad. She has no family in town, but lives right down the street from me, still. I see her around, but we never bump into each other. I would move, but I own my place now and have a business I own here, and family is here.

Gents, don't be me. Even if there are "reasons." I mean, be me in doing the work on yourselves, but listen to the men on this forum who are wise in acknowledging both men and women are flawed and both are at fault when a relationship fails - and it's best to own your shit; but don't go as far as I did. Don't listen to those who also only blame women. But the more insecure a woman is, the more prone to soaking-up the bullshit spewed by many therapists and the internet at large, and you have to protect yourself from bullshit in the world. There is plenty. NEVER let a woman define you. NEVER let your own guilt consume you. Keep balance. Don't fall on the sword. KNOW you are a good person, even if you have unintentionally or even intentionally made mistakes. Take care of yourself. Happy wife is not happy life. That is hell.

As for you ladies out there blaming everything on your man, men at large, failing to take personal responsibility and throwing around labels, especially on neurodivergent men...Shame on you. You deserve the life that lies ahead for yourselves.