The person I trusted most walked away, and it felt like the ground disappeared under me. I felt like I lost everything about myself as a man. She took me over the five months we were in marriage counseling and just slowly broke me down as she was using this time to heal and get over me but I didn’t give up or quit until she said it was over. During this time before she left she wouldn’t look, nor touch, nor even talk to me. There was no affair on my part she just told me things that still stick with me to this day. (I was only with you because of our child, I was pretending for the past year and a half I didn’t actually want to be with you, you will end up just like your father miserable, had you been a stay at home parent and I gone to work I would’ve done something with my life.)

Since then, I’ve been stuck in this mix of grief, anger, betrayal, and longing. Part of me misses her deeply and still wants the version of the relationship I believed in. Another part of me feels furious and backstabbed, like I was misled into building a life that she wasn’t truly committed to. The hardest part is that those two emotions coexist. I can hate what happened and still crave her at the same time.

There were moments after the separation where we flirted as it was real for me I think she was just bored. which made it even harder to detach. When someone shows warmth or intimacy after saying it’s over, it messes with your head. It kept my attachment alive and made moving on feel almost impossible.

. I fear being alone long-term. Dating feels wrong because no one else feels like her. I also carry resentment because this breakup has affected my finances, my living situation, and my sense of direction in life.

At the same time, I’m trying to be a good father and keep my life together. I’m just exhausted from feeling like she still has a hold on me emotionally, even though the relationship is over. I’m trying to figure out how to let go of someone who left a permanent mark on me. We were also together since junior year of high school.

I just can’t seem to know how to move on. I’m always thinking of her wondering who she is with or who she is sleeping with I often feel jealous and angry when it comes to thinking of her this way. I just can’t seem to get her off of my mind. I’ve tried many times to reunite our marriage and she just seems to only want it when it’s convenient for her or she is using me. In all of this somehow I still find myself loving her but why. She doesn’t love me it’s over.