I haven’t written publicly about my divorce, but We’re close to the end of this process. Finally had mediation and she finally agreed to 50/50 time. At this point it’s just signatures. But I’m still just sitting here wondering what the fuck all the fighting was for. $10k in lawyers fees just in my end.

It’s a long story, but I just need to get it out there now.

A week after our honeymoon my wife comes out as a lesbian, fair enough. The relationship hadn’t been great for a while. I started therapy and realized a lot of things about how I was treated and why I felt low.

So for me that felt like a relief. Like I had an “out” that didn’t break my wife’s heart. But for some fucking reason, it couldn’t be simple. As I looked for an apartment the first time my ex demanded $200/wk in child support, which I paid up to a point. That plaint being my ex asking for more money, $350 a week because I needed to pay rent. Well, I put my foot down. I said “I pay the utilities, $200/wk is including rent because I’ll pay that to you when I’m moved out.”

And I finally filed divorce after my ex told me I wouldn’t have overnights with my son and no custody. (Literally for no god damn reason) and woke me up at 11pm after her trip downstate with the girlfriend.

I tried talking about my emotional insecurity, how I didn’t feel safe and when I was suicidal there was a reason I didn’t call my ex. And I was just met with gaslighting and bullshit.

My ex was shocked and livid I would file for divorce.

Anyway. One day last year I finally had enough

Of sleeping in the floor in the living room, I found an apartment walk distance to our house, despite my lawyer saying I shouldn’t move until we have a custody agreement. I wanted to take my 3yo son to see it, see how he liked it. And she lost her god damned mind.

Grabbed him, said he wasn’t going. Told me to leave. Well, he was super sad. I headed him yelling my name when I went downstairs. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I walked back up stairs, told him “No, we’re going because I’m also your parent.” She follows us out the door, projecting all her own actions on me, saying I was putting our son between us. Then, my ex threatens to call the cops on me “I could call the cops on your for kidnapping because you’re not on his birth certificate yet!” (This was a clerical error from the state, my paternity was not in question and I was listed as a witness to the birth, not the father.)

I fucking had it. I just replied “Do it. Call them. Then explain to your son why dad got arrested.”

Now some BG info on that. My ex and I are pretty radical lefties. From PDX I washed eyes and was pepper sprayed in the streets while protesting. But I’ve also been one to recognize human nature for what it is. And I personally have been able to compartmentalize systems vs people. I was raised under the mindset when your enemy is wounded you also help your enemy (as long as it’s not dangerous of course)

Well my ex was just “ACAB! Anarchy! No prisons, ACAB.” Like very vocal. All good because yeah the system creates an incentive of police to dehumanize people, cops as a group of employees kill close to 1000 people a year.

So of course I realized 1 of 2 things. Either my ex was full of shit and didn’t think cops were a hyper violent state sanctioned gang, or my ex did know and think that, and felt that’s what I deserved.

And I feel crazy saying it. Because most people hear that and think “Well clearly you must’ve done *something* to warrant that reaction.” But no, all triggered by wanting to take my son to a possible apartment rental.

I still took him. And he still went to school.

But that was the day my ex crossed the rubicon.

I signed the lease. Not long after I found some mold behind a soft spot in the wall. Landlord fixed the issue, but now my ex was convinced my son was having an allergic reaction to it. Idk how true it all was but because I didn’t have custody yet, I just went with it because I didn’t want to give her the “He put our son’s health at risk.” Of course she also declined to have an allergy test done.

So I still take him weekends but usually end up back at my exes house to cool off and hangout because I can’t take him to my place if he’s getting sick.

So anyway, during this time I learn I will get colon cancer if my colon isn’t removed. I’m slated for surgery. My ex knows this is going to happen. A week before surgery, my ex drops “Don’t use my house for visitation anymore.”

I was fucking livid. I know she knew the surgery was a major one. One that required a lot of rest. And she knew I couldn’t take him to my place for easy down time.

And fuck was the surgery hard. 12 hours for an estimated 5hr surgery. My leg still has nerve damage and the surgery was in November.

But I preserved. My mother was a huge help in helping me find a new place while recovering. I got a decent 2bd place with carpet. I still took my son for outings despite everything I was going through. And I even made it to his school night despite being severely dehydrated and ending up in the hospital for a week right after it.

My ex lost their coffee shop part time job, suddenly got a more regular 9-5 job. I went away for work training for a couple work weeks, missing the hell out of my kid for one weekend. When I arrived Saturday to pick him up, she of course drops “You can have Monday now.”

I tried to keep it chill. But fuck. I mean giving me 2 days to come up with childcare and I had committed to work that Monday. She knew what she was doing. It was a position where saying “No.” Would be used against me in court, but saying “Yes” would fuck my work up.

When I expressed that was short notice she tried to turn it on me for being gone too long for work (Something we agreed to over a month in advance)

Anyway, I made it work. And Saturday-Monday has been the schedule.

After everything I’ve stopped believing my exes cruelty was born of some profound ignorance and was actually in fact methodical. Everything, including moving out to NY and separating me from my family. It wasn’t some inability on her end to understand human emotions, it was deliberate abusive manipulation.

Well this week, I hit the dating apps. Matched with and had a kinda flirty conversation with a beautiful woman. Went pretty well. I’m hoping the land a date but idk. I hate texting and messaging. It fills me with anxiety because I’m worried responding too fast sounds desperate and too slow signals disinterests.

I asked her on a date she said yes, but when I suggested a time and say I haven’t heard back. Not a big deal, hopefully she doesn’t ghost me but between the ostomy bag and my divorce being so fresh, I’m not sure I feel as confident as I wish. And Idk if a summer fling is the right person to be vulnerable to.

but I wish I could afford to go out on a Saturday. Instead I need to time it around a weekday while working 10 hours.

Anyway, my exes manipulating runs deep still. I can’t take more time off work to date, and I can’t really afford a babysitter, especially once I find a nanny for 2 days a month. She didn’t want to alternate weekends or even a weekend day, not because she couldn’t, but I really believe because she’s selfish and wants it to herself. She doesn’t want to compromise her time off.

I guess I’m just lost as to what to do now. How I get back out there for just a casual date while juggling all this. I mean taking your kid on a first date isn’t exactly romantic. Maybe the 3rd or 4th sure.

I’m stuck in a weird place where this attractive woman wants something casual, but because I fear my body and don’t feel confident in that, it almost requires a deeper connection and vulnerability that pushing for may come off as clingy.

Anyway, hopefully I pull off a date. I’m way better at conversation in person, because facial cues and body language. Maybe I’m also just not ready to date, but damn. I want a snuggle and hug someone sometimes now. I want something casual and short term, but deeper and more meaningful than just a fuck.

I know it’ll change as he gets older. Somethings easier and somethings will become harder.

I wish the court would understand that happy and healthy parents need their own time. And that it’s ultimately better for the kid when parents are mentally well. But they really don’t. If I push for every other Saturday I’m financially in a harder spot with childcare, and my ex was already trying to characterize me as an absent father.

It’s like you get so fucked up mentally from this process and because we don’t live near my family I had no physical support available. No one to be my village. And that’s not to say my family hasn’t helped. They have helped tremendously financially, even though they’re all working. I feel guilty for needing that help. But there’s still a big gap between “Here’s some money for bills and therapy” and “Oh you have a date Saturday? We’d love to have Jorah over.”

Anyway, sorry for the long winded post. Clearly I’m still processing a lot. Maybe I need to put off dating till I’m more settled. Maybe I’ll just hit up a strip club after work next Friday instead.