Summary

I am a 20 year old university student. Unplugged recently, have read all the sidebar material and a huge number of posts, and trying to build my life from the ruins of former betahood. May be a slightly long post, but I want to share my story and get some advice.

Body

I used to be an enormous beta. Right now I am in the no-man's land between rejecting beta thinking but still in the process of trying to assimilate alpha mentalities.

I grew up in South East Asia in a very affluent country, and lived a pretty comfortable life. Went to school, did extremely well, was a very well rounded student, doing numerous sports, playing piano at diploma level, charity and community service, was considered good looking, and had a pretty good social life, although I've always been very uncomfortable with clubbing (huge disadvantage) and quite shy. I have absolutely no experience with girls, because the girls that I liked didn't like me back (because I was beta) and the girls that I didn't like, liked me. I fell into two crippling oneitises. The first one was my best friend at the time, and she knew I liked her. She used me as an emotional tampon, and used to talk to me everyday about how infatuated she was with my best friend. I was a patient doormat and sympathised with her even though she treated me like shit, and the nicer I was to her, the meaner she was to me. I couldn't understand, and was an emotional wreck. She would make up stories about her meeting his family and travelling together just to fuck with my head, and like an idiot, I bought it. I asked her to our prom, she rejected me, and told everyone, and mocked me behind my back. I finally got pissed enough to cut her out of my life.

The second oneitis lasted for two entire years. She told a few people she would've gone out with me, but I was so scared of being fucked with again that I couldn't even muster up the courage to talk to her most of the time. She found out I liked her, I did nothing and acted like a little girl, and after almost two years, she got a boyfriend. I was devastated (good thing it didn't happen though, I don't know what I saw in her). To top it off, after that, a very cute and very nice HB9 fell into my lap because we were dance partners, and same thing happened. I thought she was way too good for me, so I didn't do anything despite her being interested. She soon got a boyfriend.

Fast forward and I got into a great university in the UK. I was unable to adjust to the environment and I got extremely depressed and lonely, and came close to suicide. My exam results were uncharacteristically shit, my social life was nonexistent, I barely went to classes, didn't do any extracurriculars, and lost every shred of ambition I used to have. I barely ate, and lost 12kg, becoming emaciated and weak. Seeing everyone else hooking up and getting into relationships made my mental state a lot worse because my ultimate (and naive) dream was always to find the perfect girl for me and stay together until we could get married (Blue Pill fantasy). I used to just stay in my room crying, watching TV shows and sleeping a lot, seething with an unbelievable amount of irrational hatred for everyone around me, and depressed because almost no one cared about me.

What's Changed

I got back to university for second year after doing some reflecting and reading Buddhism over the summer.

  • I started going to the gym again
  • Started studying hard in university again
  • Started reading non-fiction
  • Applied to internships in investment banks
  • Fixed my attitude somewhat, and stopped blaming other people for my problems. Held myself accountable and made a clear vision of who I want to be. I am far more stoic than I used to be.

Questions

  • I am vegetarian, which makes getting gains a bit hard. I've bought a tub of Optimum Nutrition Whey Protein, which I have twice a day when working out. Which vegetarian foods/diet plan would you recommend for building muscle, especially in the hectic university life?
  • How often should I work out, and what are your preferred workout routines? Should I go with a split routine? Stronglifts? One body part a day?
  • How do you completely eradicate the hatred and sadness that comes after unplugging? I see TRP truths in my own sister and mother, right up till hypergamy, branch swinging and entitlement complexes, and it fills me with a lot of hatred and sadness.
  • I don't have that many friends in university, apart from a few very close ones. I want to move past being acquaintances with people and have a large social circle, but I find it difficult because a) I developed some social anxiety from the aftermath of my depression and b)by second year now, everyone already has their 'groups'. How should I do it?
  • How did you cope with the loneliness of monk mode?
  • The most important question for me. How do I start talking to girls? I can't ask a female friend for advice because the ones I told about my depression don't talk to me anymore (shock), and even if I did still have female friends, they'd give me the same shitty advice as my sister: 'Be yourself, girls in university really want relationships and a caring and loving guy who'll make them feel special.' Do I have to start drinking and going clubbing if I want to meet girls?

Thank you for everything TRP. Even though I have a very long way to go, I've learnt to see past the bullshit and really want to work on myself and be a man worth something. Thanks for reading, and any replies are much appreciated!