About Me

I don't know where to start but I'll try this. I never understand who I've been and why I am like this. First off I'd like to start with the point that I have a porn addiction. Second off I was sexually abused as a kid by a older cousin who is almost homeless now and is struggling to get by. My family tries to support him but he comes from a rich family but lost his mother and got into drugs.A majority of my life was spent in my room playing Halo because I was very insecure about who I was and god I still am. I have no confidence in myself and in what I do. I'm currently 20 Y.O. I attend C.C. in my city I currently have 3.40 GPA. I took off a year from attending school after high school to follow a trade in audio engineering and I still do it today but would like to make it a career. My father left me and has been in and out of my life. He though is a deadbeat and lives with his mom and this last year went M.I.A. My mom is a single mother who is in her mid 50s now. My mother is a super bitter woman who overreacts to a lot of things. Recently the topic of moving away to university has been the topic at dinner. She is very passive when I talk about these things. I come from a middle class family where I can't pay for college besides loans. But I go to C.C. for free due to financial aid. I'm about 5'11 and weigh 126 lbs. I go to the gym almost daily, I eat well(eggs everyday and I have 3 meals or so) but I never gain. I'm fit but skinny if that makes sense. My parents had me late and I grew up going back to back house holds as a kid. Never was super close to family or anything. I still haven't gotten over my ex that dumped me because I took that relationship for granted and stopped caring. I knew her for about 2 years before dating and I have to say I don't believe in unicorns but she was one of those that I wouldn't mind seeing how long it goes and become exclusive with. This is a mistake that I regret until this day. I recently tried to rekindle a past relationship with my ex. I played the victim knowing that I was the one who did the most wrong. She had a substance abuse problem and I was angry about my life I took it out on her and now she has someone who I assume truly cares about her. Though she tells me "I copyright her bones". But there is no going back good for her. People deserve to be happy.

What I'm going to school for.

I am pursuing a degree in music industry studies or even music business since I am both a wannabe artist and I would like to know more about the business world of music and marketing it as well. I plan on going far away to uni but i don't know if it's worth the cost.All the people who I knew when I was super cool stoner are progressing, living their lives happily. I spend most of my days now inside, I go on music production blogs and learn about these things and I tend to read a lot about marketing and just sit around and make sounds. This is because I've been off from school the last 2 weeks and have another 2 weeks before my last semester at C.C. I do this all the time but I have a lot of time on my hands so it's been a bit of a great time. I know it may seem a waste of time but I'm trying to make this time useful but my terrible habits get in the way.

More about why I'm talking to my ex.

Okay, I feel like I fucked up on a good thing in life. Though she was a good girl she had some of her own problems. She recently told me when I was asking her to drop her BF and give me another shot. Her response, " If I dropped him would you move to my college town?". But in that conversation I see that I am no longer a person who she cares about. She described me as a vine that grows in circles and never upwards. Now I believe this I really do, I fucking hate myself. I have no confidence in myself. I see this as having no respect for myself coming back. I lost a friend and it still hurts till today.

Advice?

I am not asking what I should do but I have deleted all my social media, I turn my phone off most of the day and only check it to see if my mom called or what not.I don't know what the bottom feels like but I think I'm close to it. The friends I used to have I pushed away because all they're lives consist of is just getting high. I feel like I'm the scum that I never wanted to be. I don't even know why I'm here but i need to be ripped apart. So do your worst...please.