TW: self harm

I’ve officially made it to 27 without a serious relationship and it’s destroying me. Not because i genuinely want to be with someone and want to share my life with others and be vulnerable because i don’t want to do any of that. I want to find a relationship because it relieves me of the low status title of “socially awkward guy who can’t get a girlfriend”

In my earlier 20s when I watched red pill content this was reinforced. Since then it’s been reinforced by toxic family friends that pressure me and most commonly now it’s reinforced by my own experiences.

I’ve always been terrified of putting myself out there but once I’m in a flow I tend to attract people just fine . Even if the point of dating g was solely to disprove a stereotype I’ve done pretty good at that but I’m almost never satisfied in the partners I find whether it’s been due to a genuine mismatch, or toxic motivations that work against genuine connection with people who other wise would be compatible or both.

I ended the situationship mentioned in the last time I posted almost five months ago because I just wasn’t feeling it and while there were significant and genuine concerns I just wasn’t into it because my motivation for dating has always been in the wrong place. There are specific individuals who I’m into who respect me but I notice they gravitate toward people with more typical masculine traits and no matter what that proves that I’m low status and nothing really convinces me otherwise.

On paper I have a good life, I’m a professional musician and artist and work in adjacent fields and support myself in an expensive city without living with my parents and this year I want to focus on that and maximize my full potential but honestly the thought of being my age and never having something serious by now is something I’m truly ashamed of to a point where I’ve self harmed a few times one of which needed medical attention. I’m willing to be that destructive because I don’t want to be in a category of people what’s labeled as low value. I could be good at music but it wouldn’t change the fact that I’ve always been single which makes any “good” quality such as being kind sensitive or talented matter significantly less