I had a parasitic NVM ex who exploited me and constantly made me feel like shit. He was a loser with nothing going for him and he was borderline narcissistic (he would cry and apologize for things he did to me and tell me not to blame myself for what he did, so i’m assuming he isn’t a narc bc a narc would blame me for everything right??? he was just really shitty, selfish, and immature). However, I was young (19 at the time, he was 25 at the time too) and he was my first boyfriend. I held on way longer than I needed to, I was his live in bang-maid and he loved to make me feel lower than him even though I had so much going for me. The man didn’t even have a car, a drivers license, or any direction in life. When I met him he was sleeping on the floor of his buddies house. I was just thrilled at the idea that a man finally wanted to date me... turns out he was just love bombing me to gain my trust as he did a complete 180 once we were together.

ANYWAY. We broke up last year after having lived together for a year (a terrible, stress, argument, mind games filled year) and I felt so stupid for ever having let him into my life and giving him the satisfaction of dragging me down with him. I vowed to do what I could to avoid him at all costs and went NC. He harassed me all the time (constant calling from restricted, emails begging for me back, leaving voicemails, etc. ALL WHILE PUBLICLY BEING INVOLVED WITH HIS EX who he held over my head and made me feel less than during our relationship).

However as time passed by and quarantine came, I lived alone and I felt really lonely. So I called him one night while drunk and for a week we would facetime for hours a day, he would tell me i’m so much better than his ex (eye roll), and we would send sexual content back and forth. I was in a bad place, I was lonely, and I went to the low hanging fruit because I wanted easy attention. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him anymore so it was easy to block him again afterwards but it’s been months and I am still beating myself up. I had the ball in my court, I was showing him I am better than him but then I stooped back to his level and have been feeling really shitty since.

I know I have to work harder at leveling up, loving myself, and reaching full queen actualization but i can’t stop beating myself up. I’m an idiot and I feel like I no longer have dignity, he must be so smug thinking that he made me fall for him again when I was just bored. How do I regain my feeling of worthiness and dignity? Can any of you relate and have since leveled up that can give me some hope?