[22/m] my not-exactly girlfriend (22/f) is upset with me about some stuff that she found on my phone from a few months ago. [X-post from relationship_advice]

[deleted] · 2014-11-16T20:40:49+00:00

To keep her you have to be willing to lose her. That is be firm, but not apologetic. You hooked up with others before meeting her, nothing wrong with that.

I am very afraid of what will happen and I don't want to lose her. I feel guilty the whole mess.

This type of weak sniveling attitude is completely unattractive and is what will turn her off. Where are your boundaries man? Have you done anything wrong? Then don't apologize. From your post you sound like you're schoolboy or child about to be punished.

[deleted] · 2014-11-16T19:23:15+00:00

issue #1: why the fuck is she snooping?

issue #2: why is your exclusivity so easily obtained and hers isn't clearly defined?

the remaining issues, like your neediness and desire to explain yourself, are exactly as you stated: you are letting too many extreme beta qualities slip out

I suggest monk mode. learn how to be selfish and get what you want out of life rather than learning how rebound girl wants to shape you. you should feel ZERO guilt with a side of betrayal. don't apologize

immediate changes should be you canceling this coffee date where she's in a position to "take you back". you will be forever in her debt if she decides you're worthy, and you will never have her respect

BluepillProfessor · 2014-11-17T04:24:11+00:00

So this sub will probably just tell me I'm beta and I should move on etc. But I really like this girl

This is almost obligatory because a lot of guys ignore the 'I want to make it work part' in favor of "next." The problem is they have a point. You have to be willing to next at any time whether it is an "almost" GF or a 21 Year marriage. Ask me how I know.

First of all, get your fucking drinking problem under control. Passed out in the gutter when you are supposed to be at the club with your almost GF is no way to go through life son.

Second, if I understand, the Tinder and other cheating behaviors were BEFORE you were exclusive then her reaction is a mere shit test.

Third, knock your hamster off the wheel. This post could have been much shorter and I can only imagine the arguments you are making with your almost GF. Shut up and reply with, all this happened before we were exclusive. Just keep saying that. The only other thing I might say would be to get into her past sexual history to remind her that what happened before you were exclusive doesn't matter to the current relationship.

Fourth, you are the man, set the frame, and say what you want. Why is SHE setting up coffee. Go see her and remind her that this was before you were exclusive. Don't argue. Let her rant and rave. It should be nothing to you (unless it was). Don't lose frame is your answer. Good luck.

vandaalen · 2014-11-16T22:31:53+00:00

Firstly: Stop drinking so much alcohol. If you pass out and spend the night in the dirt, that's definetly a sign that you've got a serious problem with it. Source: I heavily abused alcohol for over 10 years and could write one or another book about that shit.

So to your problem:

Last week, she initiated a conversation with me about "defining the relationship" and I told her I wasn't ready to trust someone fully after being cheated on, but that we are definitely exclusive at least on my end. So we didn't attach a label.

Very Bad. She got what she wanted. Your commitment is the most valuable thing you've got and you don't give it away for free. This sets the worst of power dynamics for the relationship.

To look for clues (since she had my phone still) she went through my text message history.

That's a puny excuse. She could have easily tried to contact your friends or family first.

In my text message history, down about 2 weeks is a conversation thread with one of my friends friends from out of town. Then, if you read the conversation back to early october, there are very sexual emoji texts.

Next, she found a text message thread from mid-september - a girl that I met on tinder and organized a meetup with.

Then, she found an email I sent to my ex in August. In the email I told her how much I wanted to trust her again and have things be good like they used to be before she cheated. This part was pretty graphic/sexual.

So what? That's none of her fucking business. You two aren't exclusive even now, because only you chose to waste your leverage, and not her. She's in no position to judge for anything.

In my defense...

Everything you wrote under that paragraph could only have been worse if you cried while explaining yourself to her. As I said, she's got no reason whatspever to demand an explaination and as arule of thumb you can keep in mind, that you owe nobody an explaination for just anything. Especially not some women which you aren't even in a serious relationship with.

You displayed great weakness there and gave away even the rest of control you have over the relationship. That's an instant pussy-dryer.

She asked me for a few days to think about what happened. Today she invited me to meet her to talk in a coffee shop tonight at 8. I am very afraid of what will happen and I don't want to lose her. I feel guilty the whole mess.

Fuck that. You take your time and think about it. Tell her you will not come to that date and that you have to think, because of her behaviour. Also tell her, that your relationship is on a hold, and set back to non-exclusivity at least until you figure out otherwise.

Then you cut contact for at least two weeks. If she didn't come up with a serious apology, which shows, that she understood what she did wrong, up to then you keep waiting.

You ignore everything she writes, and you answer none of her calls. Regardless of the level of drama and all the threats she will make, which inevitably will happen.

In the meantime you start tinder and game other girls and date them. You do not need to escalate in any way, but you at least meet them and talk to them.

If you don't already go lifting, start immediataly with a 5x5 power-lifting routine, like Stronglifts or Starting Strength.

I am not going to lie to you: You fucked up pretty bad here and showed her, that she is in control of the relationship dynamics. You need to change that ASAP and get in control.

You are the man and it's your responsibility to keep a relationship running and therefore you direct it, not the woman.

You need to instantly develop a mentality where you are willing to walk away if she isn't willing to comply.

First read The Sixteen Commandments of Poon and then start to listening to "The Black Phillip Show" right now (listen to all of it) to get a deeper understanding of the dynamics involved.

Good Luck.

Title	[22/m] my not-exactly girlfriend (22/f) is upset with me about some stuff that she found on my phone from a few months ago. [X-post from relationship_advice]
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	7
Date	November 16, 2014 7:06 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2mhi79/22m_my_notexactly_girlfriend_22f_is_upset_with_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/22m-my-not-exactly-girlfriend-22f-is-upset-with-me.193360 https://theredarchive.com/post/193360

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