Drunk Captain Round 2

[deleted] · 2017-06-20T00:43:20+00:00

Why not STFU for a year? Keep your head down, lift, hit some fitness goals, and get through the sidebar? You got a lot of work to do and still have time to pay her attention?

man_in_the_world · 2017-06-20T04:56:27+00:00

Welcome back, Type 2 Dysfunctional Captain /u/thefucknot! Frankly, I'm surprised to see you again. From your first post I thought you were an alpha-sprinkling, covert-contract-ridden pussy bitch looking for an easy answer; as you note yourself, you are still an alpha-sprinkling, covert-contract-ridden pussy bitch, but you did your homework so you've earned a serious answer.

I'm re-reading WISNIFG and will probably re-read NMMNG soon after.

GOOD ... because lack of assertiveness and covert contracts are your two big problems preventing you from earning respect. Respect without fun and dread may not be sufficient to make her want to fuck you more, but it will certainly be necessary, so let's start there.

Covert contracts.

I started applying my MAP about 2 years ago, been lurking ever since. Read ALL of the sidebar, have been reading MRP and TRP for years now.

You really haven't internalized NMMNG at all, since you're still full of covert contracts.

I'm pretty much captain of everything. At times I get frustrated because if I do not do something it does not get done.

A captain is always captain of everything. That's what it means to be in charge. Your "problem" is that your crew is not performing their covertly assigned duties.

I feel like if started dating again I would be unstoppable. I'm fit, dress well, fun, make great money but none of this seems to matter to the wife.

Translation: I'm a fit, rich betabux; therefore my wife should want to fuck me. This is the canonical BP BB covert contract fallacy; how in hell could you lurk here for the past two years and still miss this?

Fathers day came and went unrecognized in my house.

Your kids are under 5, so this means that you expected your wife (surprising fact: you are not her father) to make some big deal about what a wonderful husband and father you are to validate your feely-feelz. I bet you made a big production for her on Mother's Day (while probably neglecting your own mother) with the covert contract of reciprocation by her on Father's Day.

No covert contracts. ... We also have a housekeeper to help.

My wife will literally wear shoes inside the house rather than sweep the floor for example.

Ha ha ha! "No covert contracts." Did your wife ever agree to sweep the floors? You're (jointly, I very much hope) paying a housekeeper to sweep the floors. Neither you nor your wife should ever be sweeping floors, except for an accidental spill that can't wait until the next day. So either you're OCD and your wife isn't, or you have some covert contract going, or your housekeeper is incompetent and you're too unassertive to get a new one. So this isn't about sweeping the floors. What is it really about? I bet it's about a covert contract of some sort.

As far as I can tell, you're merely whining that your wife isn't fulfilling your covert expectations as FO. You must first weed out and destroy all of your covert contracts before you can even begin to assess her performance; you're blinded by your own Nice Guy CC bullshit at this time. That must be your mission for the next few months.

I don't know what you've been MAPping about over the past two years, or what you think you learned from reading the entire sidebar, but you're at Day 0 in terms of Nice Guy, covert contracts, and frame. Read NMMNG carefully this time and do the "breaking free" exercises (but not with your wife).

Assertiveness

I can't see past your giant covert contracts to your specific boundary and assertiveness problems, so all I can do is point you to a few general resources.

You should never have beta bitch arguments with your wife, but instead use the assertive communication techniques in WISNIFG.

How to build boundaries during your transition will be essential; particularly note that boundaries must be enforceable.

Your anger, frustration, or resentment will be your best diagnostic tool for detecting the existence of covert contracts or boundary violations. However, the immediate source of anger will usually be only a symptom of the real cause, so you'll have to dig deeper and reflect carefully to find the real issue that needs fixing.

Until now, you have just been sprinkling alpha, mostly in the wrong places. You're starting over at Day 1 of MRP, if you want to make any real progress.

Good luck! We'll be here on the sidelines rooting for you in our assholey way.

red-sfpplus · 2017-06-19T21:38:11+00:00

I stopped reading at "how do I get her to become my FO" or whatever it was exactly.

Seriously if you don't know the answer to this you are not comprehending the material.

So let me tell you the answer:

Answer: You don't. She chooses to follow and become your FO because your an awesome Captain.

The rest of your post means nothing to me because you are still clearly more worried about her and not yourself since you first question is asking how to modify HER behavior.

Now go do everything you have supposedly done over again. Starting with STFU.

Edit. Words.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-06-20T01:10:44+00:00

I realize now that this is just a reflection of my shitty attitude.

Yes, now the light is turning on and those creaky wheels are turning ever so slowly.

I don't know how to navigate out of this shit.

Yes you do. The course is long and perilous but you know the direction. You want to say I don't know how to navigate out of this TODAY...and you are right.

thefucknot · 2017-06-19T21:09:12+00:00

Thoughts?

You're the captain and you suck, what else would you expect?

Post what you've done each week to get closer to your goals in OYS. Not what your going to do, but what you've done.

[deleted] · 2017-06-19T21:58:04+00:00

I'm a newbie (6 months in) but if it's true that you are truly on top of your game physically, financially, as a father, etc...if you ARE being a successful captain, and she's being a shitty FO...then do what a good captain/boss does when someone on his crew is not pulling their weight: confront the problem/address the bad behavior, and issue a warning.

If she is still unwilling to participate and help keep the ship sailing smoothly, she gets kicked off the boat. It's that simple. She thinks she has a free ticket to paradise while you do all the work getting her there. But it's a team effort, man. Eventually you'll just have to stop letting her on your team.

Have you EVER had this conversation with her? Sometimes you gotta be a little more transparent, lay out your vision and point out to her where she's falling short.

Don't make it about sex and don't listen to any of her words. Observe the actions she takes in the weeks that follow. That should tell you a lot.

All in all, don't keep dancing around the issue if you think all else is being handled and can't be improved on your end (which I doubt, but I'm taking your word for it).

She needs to know what the alternative is, and my guess is that she thinks that's the very last thing on your mind.

rocknrollchuck · 2017-06-19T22:01:37+00:00

I'll just leave these here, maybe you'll find some value in them:

How to get your wife to get "your way"
There are a lot of potential options you have to lead her constructively into the kind of lifestyle you think you should both have
Dread pitfalls, and what you can do about them (read all the comments too)

Hopefully these will give you some insight so you have a starting point. I remember how clueless I was when I started here too, and you can't navigate out if you don't know which way to go.

rockingood · 2017-06-19T23:07:43+00:00

Father's day came and went unrecognized in my house, too. But so did mother's day. Que sera, sera.

Sloooooow dowwwwn... give it time.

Title	Drunk Captain Round 2
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	11
Date	June 19, 2017 8:46 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6i9903/drunk_captain_round_2/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/drunk-captain-round-2.205978 https://theredarchive.com/post/205978

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