Blowjob last night. That was the highlight. What a shitshow. I got home after work, my mom had been there helping out and messed some of the wifes projects up (she moves forward on stuff without thinking it through). So wasted time and money. Wife’s upset about that, her work, sparkle paint on the picture frames is peeling (I won’t have sparkles in the house so this is a deal breaker for me), and, yes, she’s prego. If you haven't gathered by now, we've moved everything out of the spare room and are remodelling it to move our daughter into. The room is empty and newly painted.

Discovery and Triage

I went upstairs and the two of them were starting to move furniture around and the wife rips the backing on a box. Trivial problem (knife + trimming fixed it) but she loses her shit and storms out. Her hamster is fucked.

So quick chat with mom to see what’s happening and why. Didn’t get much from her. Downstairs I confront the wife, calm and stoic. Takes about 20 mins to unwind her then another 20 to begin refocusing her on a different task. "Go shop and make supper, I’ll take care of moving the furniture."

More refocusing; she’s listing all these projects she’s wanting to finish tonight. It’s unachievable, and I let her know that she should focus on the important task first and assume that the rest is not getting done tonight. She wants perfection, cause the kid is back from the other grandparents the next day and the new big girl room needs to have all these things and be perfect. It doesn’t. It needs to be just awesome enough that the kid will be happy. Extra things (pictures, etc) can be hung later and be another happy moment. It can be a week or two of happy moments instead of one big fucking bang.

She eventually agrees with me. I use yes/no questions like, “is that fair?”, “is that right?”, trying to re-engage her reasoning. Like talking to a 3 year old, but that’s where she was mentally. Tantrum.

Action starts

My mom helps but mostly stays out of the way while I move forward and got the two rooms sorted out (kids new room and resetting up spare room in her old one). I left the small junk alone (moved them into the appropriate rooms and that was it).

Wife got home, made supper, announced that it was ready, mom went down and ate. Twice mom called up saying “suppers ready”, I responded with “I’m busy”. Not sure why, maybe she needed me to comfort my wife. It was more important that the shit get done that only I could (reasonably) do.

Finished. Came down. Told them that they can go finish things up. They basically jumped up and ran upstairs. Before the wife went up I set expectations. I was not doing any more moving or lifting and the way the rooms were laid out was the best option. I would hang a limited number of things on the wall (2-3) and that was it.

Dealing with the Beta

I ate. Went back up. Felt guilty and lost my frame and waffled on how I could help. Asked her what she wanted hung on the walls, and I saw the indecision and hamster starting up. It took a moment and I realized I was trying to put myself into her frame. I recovered after seeing that, told her to call me if she needed help. I ended up getting into the car and leaving for a quiet spot in the country to park, listen to the rain on the roof, and isolate and reframe.

Introspection, perfection and tackling the bigger issue

The big topic that came out of the wifes initial tantrum was that “we never finish anything!”. This was the motivator for her. Perfection is her idea of finished.

When I got back home, mom was gone, wife was TV/facebooking. I got her attention and we talked about never finishing. I told her I internalized that comment and I will be “owning my shit” and finishing projects before starting new ones. I also expect her to put a plan in place for solving her projects.

She combatted with “You realize I said ‘We’”. I did, and I intentionally responded with “I and You”. We have to own our own projects and make sure they move forward. No one else will.

Post analysis

As I type this, I realize that she believed that I was the one who owned the "big girl room" project. I’m not certain about that statement, but it’s likely. I suspect that this is the FO looking up to the Captain and wanting to make sure life is running smoothly. New territory for me, and this is where insightful comments would be appreciated.

Circling back to the highlight, it’s our anniversary, and even with her hamster spinning, I was still able to get some of the action I wanted. We browsed online for adult toys, which she's historically disengaged from however this time she did not. This all helps me validate my FO/Captain comment above and believe that I may be close to a tipping point. Contrasting this to our last anniversary, these are small wins. I’m regretting now not trying to escalate things further into the bedroom. Honestly though, I’m not sure I could have properly managed my energy and frame if her hamster started back up.

Things I think I did well:

  • Mostly maintained composure
  • Stayed cognizant of my frame
  • Redirected wife and gave direction/set expectations
  • Isolated myself to regroup and reflect
  • Re-engaged to try and discover/validate/address the underlying issue

Things I think I did not do well:

  • Setting expectations from the outset
  • Lost composure at times (swearing under breath, displays of anger while in action)
  • Engage my mother to discuss her interactions between her and wife, her and I
  • Escalate to the bedroom

Feedback, advice, questions, trolls. I welcome it.

I'm looking for you to poke holes in my reality and make me question the bullet points above, my interpretation of the materials and where I am in my transition from uber nice guy/BP to now.

I'll also acknowledge here. This is my first substantial post. You will have no frame of reference to work from. I will answer pointed questions if context is needed. I will make the effort in providing (sanitizing) my initial victim puke if it's a must.

Relevant resources I've read to date: NMMNG, MMSL, WISNIFG, MAP, Book of Pook, How to win friends and influence people in the digital age.