[[TLDR]] Tested, verified, go all in and work your ass off. This shit works.
Long time lurker here, thought I would weigh in with my field report / introduction. Working through sidebar, NMMNG was a total mind-opener.
34 from the UK, born into a fairly large family, parents separated when I was young and the older brothers moved out - leaving me with my mother and little sis.
If the sidebar has taught me anything it's that spending such formative years as the only male with only my mother and little sis for company is largely what put me where I am today - i was already the quiet kid, but as I grew up with no male role models around, i folded a little more every single day and supplicated to them, and dealt with their needs above my own by default. I am a good provider of support. I look after my own but not myself and I know now that has to change.
I look at my son every day and silently promise him that he will never have to live that way.
I’ve been married 2 years, we were together for 6 years before that. Our two year old son, is my whole world - and undeniably a huge part of what's driving me to MRP-up and to stop failing to be my best. Sex was obviously great in the pre-kid, pre-marriage days - with a decline over time that left us with a frequency of around 3 months on average between some fairly ‘meh…’ sex. I fell into the trap of thinking ‘it’ll come back after wedding is planned/kid is born/kid is older’.
I spent a long time rotting away reading thread after fucking miserable thread on /r/deadbedrooms for about a year before I found redpill and subsequently MRP about a week after. Boom.
Since finding MRP, it chimed instantly and I felt I’d found something that instantly resonated with my situation. There was an initial feeling of ‘wait, i have to do all this work?’, followed by ‘fuck it, this isn’t doing it for someone else, for the first time - this is for me, and if these guys are anything to go by, then there’s a huge amount of benefit for everyone on my ship’.
Guys, I have read many posts written by you, I want to thank you for inspiring me. If there’s anyone lurking here still trying to figure out if they should stop thinking and start doing, then I hope this post helps them to make that decision. It’s a one-way trip. You will smile and you will not look back.
I started right away, like, closed laptop and just started doing right away. I’m a musician and am used to sudden flashes of inspiration taking over but not on a physical level like this. I started bodyweight right away, and to my surprise I enjoy it immensely. One single thing to focus on, cut all the white noise out, amazing. I’ve been spending two hours every other night alternating push-ups, sit-ups and crunches. That first night I got a bit carried away. I ached for three days and it felt GOOD.
I have since cobbled together a barbell and weights scavenged from friends. It feels even better than I thought to simply push heavy things away and then pull them back again, I’ve found a new productive hobby in lifting.
Mindset and Frame:
I think due to my upbringing I’ve allowed myself from a young age to think and deal with things the same way my mother and sister did, always worrying about twenty different things, ie; hamstering. I know I’m not built for this and that this self-imposed state of anxiousness has affected every single relationship that I’ve had; I see now why past relationships failed hard.
Going back a year to when I was a sleep-deprived, frazzled mess of a first time dad, she’d convinced me that I had mental issues and needed therapy, and I’d fucking believed her. Luckily i was too much of a lazy mess to actually book any therapy up. Since then, the lifting has provided me with all the mindfulness that I need, and there’s definitely no way that I need therapy, I just needed to apply myself. I’m much more here now, and she hasn’t brought it up since. result.
I’m actively shutting anxiousness down whenever I notice it so that I can focus on the task in hand. Lifting gives me a killswitch on that and it has helped me in a massive way. Frame wise, well, I’m still building it - living in the frame of others has long been my default, but the cornerstones of mine are becoming apparent; much less ‘yes hun’, ‘sorry’ and far more ‘try asking again’ or simply ‘no’. If it gets pushed back on, i’ll hold the line as much as I can before reverting to STFU. There is resistance, but it’s not huge.
My next moves are to start being far more autonomous in general, to fulfil my duties and roles before she ever-so-helpfully reminds me about them. Isn’t it annoying how they remind you, even though you’d already thought about it? My aim is to be in a place where i haven’t ‘just thought about it’ and instead i’ve ‘just done it, so we can bang now’.
I’m a pretty slim guy that was starting to take on some dad-podge but thanks to wife’s cooking my diet is pretty good, so with the lifting in progress beginners gains are becoming apparent, more so now that I have actual weights to play with. I’ve taken to shaving properly, picking out better fitting shirts, washing more often, and generally taking more pride in my appearance. I still have a way to go, I’ve gotten rid of many clothes that just don’t get worn and will soon start replacing entire wardrobe to reflect new version of me.
Hobbies / Activities:
I’ve started an IT business [data recovery, consultancy, and provision of storage] with my brother. I told her about it briefly, she acted uninterested and did not mention it for days. When her family came over for the day, she was excitedly telling her daddy all about it, and has done similar with her friends when socialising.
As mentioned, am a musician. After two years of being a fresh new dad combined with totally beta-ized bitch I have gone back into the recording studio in my own time to lay down some stuff, first time since my band came to a halt when I became a dad. She gave no shits about my band failing and she gives no shits about me making music now. Whatever, it’s my hobby not hers. Turns out I totally still have my voice, so I’m going hell for leather and treating it just like exercise - use it to block out all the white noise, focus on something productive, it can only mean good things right? I feel more confident as a result, and it’s worth it simply on that merit.
I have been socialising more with my buddies [bandmates] more in the last three months than in the last two years and it feels good to be part of a tribe again.
To round up:
In all honesty, I’m only starting out here, but wanted to give some feedback in the hope that any lurkers out there stop wishing and start doing. I want to thank the established members of this sub for their constant input and guidance - it was meant for other guys but i’ve taken it on board too - thank you, you’re helping me change my situation and my life.
And the wife? She’s noticing it. She never says, but I made the decision from the start to watch her body, not listen to her mouth. She talks all the time, I can’t keep track of all that shit. But her body language, I can read well. Since starting on this journey 3 or 4 months ago, I’ve gotten tested, but respected. I’ve been ignored with disdainful looks and then afterwards been bragged about. I’ve been given the silent treatment, only to steal two of the best kisses of my life. I’ve worked my ass off to become slightly larger, and I FINALLY got laid. All of a sudden, she’s interested in getting that ‘part of our relationship’ back on track. I’ll show her just how back on track I want it.
Tested, verified, go all in and work your ass off. This shit works.