Recently I went full blue-pill and told a girl whom I haven't even slept with how much I felt for her. It was a strange case, even for me. We'd known each other for a little while - we work in the same place and the verbal and non-verbal flirting had been going back and forth for some time. One weekend I texted her asking what she was up to and she said she was procrastinating from doing work around her house.

I was bored as fuck and it was only 10am which was too early to drink alone so I said fuck it, I'll help you with your shit. We did a bunch of yard work and drank beer and afterwards ate pizza and played Monopoly. We ended up spending the entire afternoon together - our first 'date'. I knew she was into me but I didn't know how to proceed since she was in a long distance relationship (merely dating but nonetheless fuckin') and because of something that happened in my past I didn't initiate anything.

If you must know, back in college I did initiate in a similar case but their relationship wasn't long distance and the dude found out and ended up killing himself via overdosing. In the back of my mind I don't want to kill anyone else. Even though I didn't technically kill him, deep down I still feel like I did. I don't want this to happen again so I didn't do shit. Big mistake.

Anyways, our 'date' was over and I went home. Immediately I began thinking 'Ah shit, I like her a lot. More than I should with such little exposure to each other. She has a piece on the side and I can't do that again but damn do I fancy her beyond mere infatuation' and this train of thought kept happening that night and the entire day afterwards. My brain was overcome with chemicals and I was having back to back anxiety attacks and told myself that I had to quell this situation myself. I texted her what I was feeling and she kinda brushed it off.

The next day I figured out what had happened and explained it to her. She told me that, up until that point, she was highly interested in me but the texts I sent blew everything up. She told me that she was free to date other dudes while she was in her long distance relationship but after my 'confession' she figured out that she really liked her current situation that much more. I knew this was a cover and basically a 'you fucked up, buddy'.

So, instead of remaining her friend and helping her with more chores and hanging out without being with her, so to speak, I wrote her a letter telling her - basically - to fuck off. To enjoy her life without me because I am moving on. I listened to Patrice O'Neal's 'Time Ho' rant over and over and over and over and decided that I wasn't going to be her time ho and ended up letting her know this in letter form.

I must be autistic or something, or I learned from my father - I can't say heavy shit face to face. I have to write my thoughts down and double and triple check them to make sure I'm saying what I want to say and then I hand the letter over. The recipient doesn't know that things are the way they are when I am giving them the letter. It is an odd sense of power.

The last time my dad wrote me a letter was because he ended up beating the shit out of me in front of all of our friends and their families because I kept taunting him by calling him old man. He wrote a letter to apologize. His dad died a long time ago (my first memory) so anytime I called him that it pissed him off. Even though he's my old man and I love him.

Anyways. I've gone off on a tangent. What I wanted to say is, since I wrote this girl a letter letting her know that I want nothing to do with her I've been exposing myself to nothing but beautiful women via the world wide web. I have a thing for tattooed women and where better to find them than the Internet? (the girl mentioned above was half white half Japanese and had all kinds of hot tats.) The more hotties I see online the less they are likely to affect me in real life. Recently I stumbled upon /r/Hotchickswithtattoos/ - there is some amazing content there. I ended up creating a folder and saved every hot picture into it and made my desktop rotate through these pictures. Some of the pics, at first, made me say to myself 'goddamn, I would marry her and lick in-between her toes' and now I see the pics and I go 'eh.'

Abundance! Desensitize yourselves! There are no perfect women. Don't delude yourselves. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, probably. No happily ever after.