OYS 1st post 2/25/19

(3rd edit, you’ll find the OYS towards the bottom, this first part is me just puking all over myself, not sure if I should have broken this into two posts, probably should have just skipped the puke)

This is my first OYS post,

You may not want to read it, you might puke in your mouth a little, you might want to put your foot through the screen and kick me in the balls but then realize I never had any to begin with or you may just be in disbelief (but I doubt it, if your red pill reading this you’re not surprised by the level of faggotry any more)

I’m writing this for myself and for accountability

I’ll try not to make it too long and babble on (spoiler alert, I already did) but I want to give a little context. Hopefully I’ll be able to look back on this post in a year with at least some sense of accomplishment.

I’ll post my stats below but first off, Me: 37, W:41 two kids, 5 and 9.

We first got together 15 years ago. I was the beta bux through and through. In fact thinking about it now she was being more of a man than I was. She was type A personality, accomplished with double major, owned her own small business, owned her shit, good social network etc. I was the compliment in her life and in her frame. I was so programmed I voluntarily dropped my friends, put her on a pedestal and generally ran my oneitis blue pill game. She was full of red flags I happily ignored, divorced parents at a young age which both of them partied to the extent she basically took care of her younger brother. Mother diagnosed bi polar. Dad finally got his shit together and off drugs later and ran a successful business out of state to this day, he’s a good guy, extremely Alpha DNGAF hell’s angel type of guy, we get along well and I’ve actually learned some things from him. Also at the time she was self medicating with weed, anti anxiety meds or pain killers. At the time I didn’t realize how extensive the drug use was, she was very functional and even high performer but she used it to drown her depression and anxiety. She had a jealous streak and was very insecure at times, abandonment issues etc. Seeing all this through red pill lense now, I understand how fucked up this sounds and just writing it makes me cringe. During this time we had a lot of fun though, traveled and shared good times and conversations, good sex and things overall good. I framed her issues as just her specific baggage and everybody brings some to the table, this is hers. Obviously I was just a beta pussy with little experience in relationships.

After 5 years together of seemingly good times, we rarely argued (I was stereotypical nice guy, covert contracts and avoided conflict) and had good sex life I thought (she initiated 90%), we had good relationships each other’s families (acceptance validation for me) I proposed to her in the most weak, faggoty way by presenting an expensive custom ring I had made for her and basically saying I hope she would marry me but she doesn’t have to feel pressured to (barf) and she accepted my offer (?) of maybe we’ll get married. During those 5 years she even mentioned she probably would never want to marry due to the failure of her parents and she wouldn’t want to be let down.

I’ll summarize that year of engagement to save time in case you're still reading this shit. We take a sabbatical for about 6 months from both our jobs and temporarily move thousands of miles to live with her dad. It’s basically a vacation/ break to visit her extended family and get our bearings as we decide how we want to spend our life together now, we’re considering moving/career changes. I’ve been rudderless with a stable but mediocre paying job (for our location, just my unemployment checks are actually getting us by in the Midwest state we’re visiting). We had one way tickets so I buy a truck and we road trip across the country and up the coast, back up north to home visiting my extended family along the way and checking out other possible relocation states. We have an awesome time traveling through the country and many adventures etc. she’s warming up to settling (Settle) down with me, asking me questions like am I ready to commit etc.

We get back home. We’re transitioning back to our jobs, finding a new apartment etc. She’s in her epiphany stage, baby rabies, missed her period. We’re having a kid. This is 2008, economy was shit for the country. Luckily our state is always 10 years behind everyone else including fashion and music so the best place to be is home anyway.

I’ll jump ahead a little more. 2012 In between finding a career that will support the family I get a job that sends me up north, pipe line job. Great opportunity to make bank and learn new trade. Camp job away from family, everyone I’m working with reminds me to warn my wife before I come home so I don’t catch her unexpectedly with her new side piece. I’m surrounded by betas who are either divorced paying the alimony or never see their kids and don’t know why their sons hate them. I freak the fuck out. I go home after 6 weeks, they were expecting me to stay for 9 but they really liked me and probably would have done 12 and I would have been grateful. Fuck that. Wife is happy to see me when I get back, she actually wears a sexy skirt for me (she never would before even when I asked)

I’m being the best beta provider, we go from literally 50/50 in bills and chores to me the great plow horse and I’m so proud. I’ve made it, I saved rapunzel, I found the owner of the glass slipper, yes Virginia, there really is a Santa Clause. I get a new job within driving distance, double the salary to six figures + if I take all the overtime I can get. Great benefits and retirement. During this time we’re upgrading in lifestyle, as the demands of family life increase I am upping my provisions. We have a second son, we now are homeowners (we’ll, the bank is). Life is tough but life seems good. She is a great mother and is good to me and the kids. She’s been working with a doctor since the first kid in dealing with her depression, meds of course. Things seem improving overall. Had a semi awakening during the slope job, had nothing to do up there but work, read and sleep. Somehow I find NMMNG and some game theory shit. Make a list of improvements to make that I never fallow through on when I get back, maybe because things weren’t bad enough yet.

2012-2017

Making bank in the mining industry. Rotating swing shifts are slowly killing me. I’m drinking too much, I start smoking again but keep it from my wife. My work schedule I’m only working 14-15 days a month when I’m not doing overtime, during my work days/nights my wife is a full time mom, full time job and started working on her masters degree. Half my days off are wasted trying to recover from transitioning from night to day. There’s one whole week off during the month which is nice for planning vacations and doing shit around the house. Wife’s school and my schedule is putting a lot of pressure on the family. Reading NMMNG without RP awareness was just giving dynamite to a child. I only slightly have an awareness of how drunk I’ve been (literally and figuratively) I’m butt hurt and moody all the time and don’t even know what a comfort test is let alone see them even when they are being overtly presented. I’m feeling entitled cause I’m the man of the house and my wife is not validating me and giving me duty sex. She tries to bring issues up. She encourages me to work out or hangout with some friends. Why don’t I plan anything for us. I’m too much of a piece of shit though. I’ve got one foot in a bucket of blue pill and the other on a banana. In nice guy fashion I bottle things up for awhile and then explode after some liquid courage. She’s seeing a therapist to work on her past and present issues. She’s knocking off a lot of the self medicating after I try and use it as ammo to make her feel like shit when I bring up my issues. As much of a piece of shit I am, I’m doing a lot of introspection. I’m trying to look at our arguments objectively. I see my bs but then I see her bs and lack me getting what I want and I resent that she thinks it’s just me. We do a couples session with her counselor and then I do one solo. She cries, I’m like numb ice.

2017

I see a doctor about improving my health, I ask to have my hormones checked. The lady dr. Doesn’t even do a complete hormone profile but total T was something like 270. I’m overweight and she’s says I can’t do anything about it as long as I’m on shift work. I’m a fat, tired , stressed out bitch. I get an opportunity to change departments In my company. More fulfilling, day shifts 4/10. I participate in a company sponsored health program and meet with a dietitian weekly, count my macros and start lifting. I get stronger but my weight stalls and I’m still overweight. I start getting pains in my forearms so bad 15 minutes into a set I can barely hold my car keys.

She finishes her degree, yea. As a weight is lifted she has a mini break down, calmly I get the ILYBINILWY. It sinks in and I freak the fuck out internally. From the outside we seem fine, we get shit done and we’re still having regular sex. She’s bottling a lot in and I’m blind to see it. I’m pushing her away and I know it. I get paranoid she’s cheating or having an emotional affair. I double down on beta and go through emails, phone etc. can’t find anything suspicious but I get obsessed about it. We have major arguments and both admit to thinking about leaving. Somewhere in this timeframe I stumble on MRP while searching for cheating wives or something.

2017-2018 I peek through the looking glass.

I’m starting to get a feeling there’s something more to this. Some anonymous internet thing is offering me two pills, but I can only take one. Take the blue one and I can continue down the known path. The Red Pill will open my eyes to some sort of vague truth and possible solution with an unknown destination.

I take the red pill and a glass of water. It doesn’t go down. But it’s too late. I start reading the MRP posts and hitting sidebar. I’m angry hurt and overwhelmed. But there’s seems like a sliver of light behind the pain. I break the pill into little pieces. I hit the books, Rollo on audio every day during my commute, MMSLP, WISNIFG and many more. I find Red Men on YouTube and blogs. I start to see RP truths at home, work, with my family, in other people at the grocery store. I’m absorbing truth and emotionally puking all over myself. I start small changes at home and start getting results with my wife. I start acting more confident and alpha with my wife, but it’s just acting so I trip and fall on my face, there’s no congruence and I just look like a pissed of dick. I’m so afraid of beta I’m still doing the things that got me where I was and she’s still not getting her needs met. I half ass it through most of 2018, I get butt hurt still but much less. I’m making the same mistakes but now I’m seeing them with a RP lense and making note. My wife is still hanging in there, she’s responding in good ways, she’s starting to trust me just a little at the helm. I’m starting to understand what I really need vs what I think I want and what she and my family really need. I start making a MAP

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OYS 2019 My eyes hurt

*If you would have told me 15 years ago that I would someday be telling strangers on the internet I’m a faggot, I would have meekly laughed in your face.

37 years old 5’7, 176lbs, 27%BF Total T 430 (up from around <300) Lifts: see health goals Exercise: currently HIIT\Krav Maga 2/wk

—Map—

Health

I’m still a fat, unhealthy faggot. I found a “functional medicine” clinic that specializes in working with men. I have access to TRT if I want it but my doctor thinks I don’t need it yet. We’re making a plan with diet, exercise and lifestyle changes. He order a huge blood panel, 5 vials of blood were taken. Areas of improvement needed are suboptimal thyroid, liver, adrenals and I’m converting too much T to estrogen. Doc says just removing the alcohol is going to clear a lot of this up. I started the Keto Diet with IFalmost a month ago and have lost 10lbs, switched to low carb beer at the beginning if I had just cut it out completely I problem would have lost more by now, that’s just water weigh. Doc says to increase my calories more to support the thyroid, I was eating OMAD and not getting enough calories. He also checked my arms and joints out. Apparently I have some nerve affliction he had a fancy name for but basically impingement on the nerve to my hand coming from my elbow, also bad impingement in my shoulder socket. Wrote me script for PT, we both want to see me getting back to lifting. He has a body scanner that measured my fat, muscle, skeletal, water, basically he wants to see me loose about 30lbs of fat and gain 10lbs of muscle as my lean mass was low for health. Currently doing what I can physically without injuring myself. May start body weight training until I can lift.

Career

My current position doesn’t require any degrees or certs really. It’s much more of what can you do vs what papers you have. I’ve been self learned in my trade but there are industry certs I can get and I want to further my knowledge and experience, especially if I no longer work here. I can get reimbursement from my company but it will have to be online courses for now. I’m creating a list of courses I can take and cert tests.

Financial

This has been a big one for me as far as Frame and OYS. I’m closer to paying my student loans off, I have a plan and I have a monthly budget check list I print off , as paying my (our) bills on time has been an area of contention and shit tests in the past. Wife has major debt now again due to school loans, I’ve expected her to be responsible for her own debts (I pay everything else we share) and I told her this when she started school. She has a good job now but she has a few years before she realizes the increase pay to have made all this debt worth it. She also ran up some credit debt while in school for expenses but she also spent on unnecessary shit I let her justify in her head. I’m leading the family at least on this and reigning in the spending, especially when it comes to my money. She is asking me now if purchases are in the budget. Beta me would give in and just try and make more money. We have to get out of town at least once a year for mental sanity, seasonal affective disorder is a real thing where we live. Last year I flat out said we were not going on an expensive vacation, we would save the money we needed and NO CREDIT CARDS. I chose the venu and activities and said the trip was for us and if family wanted to see us they can work around our schedule (we were visiting a city where there’s a bit of extended family) I kept us on budget, we had an extremely good time as a family, one of our best trips AND budget wise I had money left over after the trip to pay some bills. This was the first time we went anywhere where the trip wasn’t around her frame, her activities, her asking for spending. Beta me would let her plan the trip and activities and get but hurt about doing only her things. During this trip had big shit test, I was planning on paying one of her bills off since one of her loans were about to increase and she literally would not be able to make one of her monthly payments. This was going to fuck my plan. She had a CC she wanted me to pay off but I’m co signed on her car loan and it was effecting my credit. She brings up during vacation, your still paying my CC off right? I tell her no, paying the car I’m signed on via explanation above. She goes into argument mode and I don’t take the bait and held firm and changed subject. Tried to bait me again later that night at hotel into changing my decision. My money, my responsibility = my authority. I don’t budge. Later after vacation, paid car off, title in the mail, she’s all happy and almost makes it look like it was her idea lol.

Family

I deferred to her so much on the family side and unjustly given her the responsibility here. She naturally enjoys planning events but she has born the full load. It may seem small but just the meal planning has been a big win for me. I was always being asked for input, I don’t care, I’m a man I can eat leftovers for three days but it’s important to her. I’m a decent cook and we share that responsibility but since going Keto, I went out and bought a new cook book, planned the meals and have been cooking the meals on the nights I’m not at the gym. She starting to defer to me and I give her the menu for the week. She’s doing the diet too which is a plus and something we enjoy together. I’ve also been more active in making sure kids lunches have been prepared and night time preparation. She handles the kids in the morning and I make some coffee and warm her car up in the morning. We’re working as a team and both happier for it. I'm planning out a date 2 weeks from now and set up the childcare and everything. Just told her to leave that weekend open.

Relationship

Went a little Rambo earlier on, dialing that down and now not in fear of giving her comfort, passing comfort test. Track her cycle and that has helped my calibration with what she needs during the month. I need to regularly plan time without the kids and activities we can do together. I’m thinking cross country skiing but that will have to wait for next winter, it’s not in the budget right now babe.

Other RP things/thoughts

This journey has exposed many things about myself I wouldn’t have known or been able to test. Strength and weaknesses. I have some insecurities to overcome. I seek validation through my wife. I’m still coming to terms with how women love vs men. I’m just starting to really understand Frame and when I’m in my own. When to STFU and DNGAF. How to actually apply my mental point of origin and OI in my daily life. I’m still a pussy but I’m working on it.

So what the fuck am I doing this week?

No more alcohol for 3 months Scheduling my PT Going to the gym Planning a date Family activity this weekend Taking care of last monthly bills Leading my kids after school Cooking 3 healthy meals for myself and family