It seems that I've really put myself in a bad position in my life. The last few years I've managed to lose pretty much all of my social circle, stuck in a low paying dead end job and messing up my head with my ex. Note that this is going to sound whiney and pathetic but I can't break out of these negative thought and behaviour patterns, I do understand I am myself responsible for my situation.

So about 5 years ago things were looking pretty good in my life, had friends around me, a LTR with a girl who worshipped me, getting a good education, in general life felt fine. I did carry a lot of baggage from the past though (didn't realize it at the time) and a few smaller things started a snowball effect. Became depressed and stopped going to school, started drinking, fighting with the ex all the time. Slowly a dark cloud descended over me and my relationship started to become codependent. The neediness and clinginess didn't surprisingly make things better as she started to verbally abuse me and I just let it all happen.

Deeper I sank into that ball of neediness until one day I woke up to the fact that she had been living a double life behind my back, pretty much no-one wanted anything to with me. I was completely and utterly pathetic. Had to check into a hospital to avoid killing myself. Also broke up with the ex.

Somehow got back on my feet and things improved a bit, was working hard with myself. Some months passed and the ex came begging to take her back. Blinded by my oneitis and fears of being alone I went for it. Thought I somehow now had the upperhand as she was desperate but of course it didn't last, after not long long she was up to the same dishonesty. Broke it off with her again.

Since last summer I dated this new girl and thought I was over the ex for good. Did the same stupid mistake again around new years when she contacted me.

She keeps telling me how she wants to raise a family with me and all that shit, only problem is she's constantly moody and avoids intimacy.

I know that I should stay far away from her, that much is obvious but I keep slipping into this needy betamode. Been building my life the best I can otherwise but this throws everything off. I know that I can probably never make anything of myself as long as I'm in this relationship (or whatever the hell it is we have).

​

How can I take measures to get over her and move on? There are deep issues under the hood from my childhood that I've yet to resolve. Fear of abandonment, poor self-image. My internal dialogue is pretty shit. Tried professional help but never got anywhere with it.

Been reading a lot on the manosphere but there is massive problems in taking action. Simply I feel like shit most of the time so I easily succumb to hedonistic pleasures. Most of my energy now has gone to getting my job done and going to the gym, everything else is procrastinating.

Before all of this I was pretty social and I genuinely loved peoples company, I was liked too and had no trouble getting girls. Feels like the spark is gone and cant connect with people, cant get much enjoyment out of things.

​

Right now my plan has become reduced to getting ripped for the summer, get some good pics for tinder and hopefully get something going to get myself out of this headspace. Been lifting on and off for a long time so I have built a good physique over the years, shedding the fat and keeping at it I can get my body to that wow level. Also I'm going to apply for school again, even if I'm getting up there in age (36)

I've tried a bunch of meditating and positive thinking, doesn't do anything as the negative beliefs and emotions run deep. I need some reallife concrete things to get confirmation for new beliefs. Really could use any advice at all, even if it is that I'm just out of my mind.

​