It’s time to start taking this shit seriously. I’m renewing my gym membership today, and it’s good timing because I’m finally getting my weight under control. When I used to go to the gym, my diet was still shit and I wasn’t seeing meaningful gains – now I’ve lost weight from eating less calories and carbs, and eating less often in general… I was also a bit of a wimp at the gym and didn’t really push myself, I need to start doing this seriously and go for results this time.

Why am I doing this? I’m sure like most of you, I’m tired and frustrated with feeling like I’m an accessory in my marriage. She does whatever the fuck she wants and sleeps like a goddamn baby every night, and I’m sitting here wrestling with my thoughts and emotions 24/7. Sex could be better too, I’m missing out… and it eats at me because sex is one of the few things I’m passionate about. When sex is good and she’s into it, it’s great and we both come away satisfied… but I’m noticing a pattern that I’m always the one initiating, and I’m the one taking the reins in bed, and I’m the one who’s doing anything and everything I can to satisfy her. But her? She couldn’t give a damn if I’m satisfied. Unsolicited blowjobs or handjobs? I can fucking forget about it at this point. She barely even goes on top or goes above and beyond to get me off while we’re fucking… and fuck, even her multiple orgasms don’t make her want it every night either. Going through a dry spell this week and it’s killing me, yet I'm thirsty AF and as soon as she gives in I'll be in there like a dog in heat, humping away until we both get off, then call it a night.

You can extrapolate that last paragraph to the rest of my marriage, and you get the gist of it. I’m a passionate guy and I keep trying to live my life passionately through my wife, my marriage, my kids, through shared activities with my wife, and I keep getting burned when she’s not into it… and I’m tired of it. Since having kids my entire life was uprooted and realigned, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing because I was immature as fuck in my 20’s – but at least I more or less did whatever I wanted, even when I was married to her. At least I was fucking interesting, and I was passionate about shit that was not related to my wife. Now I’m owning more of my shit, I got my career going, got a "forever" house, and I’m acting like an adult, and I’m generally getting things done… but I’m way too attached to my marriage. I listen to myself talk to friends and associates and all I can fucking talk about is my wife and kids half the time. I can’t keep living this way.

She’s been acting sweeter to me and the kids lately so that’s a benefit, and I’ve been getting better at not being an emotional bitch around her or making her deal with my shit… but yeah, she has no incentive to change. She’s maybe a 7 on a good day right now. We both need to lose weight. She needs to quit smoking cigarettes and eating junk food. She needs some fucking hobbies or friends or something. She slacks with house duties half the time, although she takes ownership of some womanly mom shit I don’t ever need to concern myself with… and I take care of the manly shit; fixing things, yard maintenance, vehicles, etc, even if I'm not good at it I get it done. We both take care of the kids and regular chores, but I’m the one pushing to do activities for the kids and taking my son to swimming and soccer and shit, hell even the park. Which I don’t’ mind, but shouldn’t my wife want to do that too? When I go it’s mostly moms with their kids.

Here’s the real fucking kicker though. She wants another baby! Hahahaha, I’m so screwed… like yeah, I’d love to be a father of three. I really would. But with her? I find myself questioning it, constantly. That’s not a healthy mindset to go into it with. I love my kids to death, and my wife loves them to death, we basically live for our kids at this point… I truly believe that being a father is the best thing that ever happened to me. But shouldn’t I feel like that all the time about being a husband as well? No? I don’t fucking know. At the very least, I should feel like I’m not risking becoming a divorced father of three. Why should I give her another baby when she won’t do anything for me? I’ll do my husbandly duty but I don’t want to feel like a goddamned sperm donor.

I just want to feel desired, and I want my wife and kids to be free to do wife and kid shit so I can do dad shit. My father was a horrible example, but at least he got us out of the house and owned some of his shit – until he became an alcoholic, that is. The man taught me nothing except what not to do. There’s still so much I need to learn. I’m terrible with women so I have no game, I suck at doing manly shit, most of my friends are pussies – which is why I started to fall out with them, and I’m not particularly attractive and I lack confidence in most social situations.

I have so much fucking work to do, it’s not even funny. It’s hard to know where to start, but I’m here. Renewing my gym membership today, I’m barely passionate about anything else so maybe I can put that passion into getting ripped. It’s time to take this shit seriously.